#267

On politeness: I shamefully and proudly – a little dichotomous, I know – relate wholeheartedly to Paul Ford's words below. 'Shamefully' because, even though my politeness is not disingenuous – and I am dismissive of precisely no one ever – I can appear overly or falsely obsequious and socially awkward. I know this. This is a flaw. It's related to my conflict-averseness and other shortcomings. Flaws beget flaws. Bummer. But I can also say – proudly – that my politeness usually comes from a strong, confident place of genuine gratitude, respect, or admiration. Usually. This is good. I really want M 'n' m to be polite. Not just polite to me. And not polite for me (i.e. polite to adults who say, "Oh, look at those polite kids, they must've been raised right"); no, not that either. I want M 'n' m to be polite because I think it is, in fact, noticed. It's not super-noticed in contemporary urban America, and it's not as popular today as in, say, Elizabethan England, but I believe it's noticed. And it's antithesis – repeated rudeness and selfishness – is definitely noticed. I want M 'n' m to have friends; I want M 'n' m to be self-possessed, likable, and respected. I want them to be positive and polished. And for them to be these things, manners matter. I know my politeness isn't purely altruistic. If it was, I wouldn't feel a tinge of annoyance when I hold the door for someone and they breeze through without a word. Apparently I expect something. I expect acknowledgement. In the end, I suppose we should master both; we should give courtesy but also demand it in return. Papa Mike is a terrific example; he can alternately, with pretty much equal ease, attack or ingratiate, appropriately measured and based on how he himself is treated, either poorly or positively. This impresses me.

Finally, from Paul Ford's essay called "How to Be Polite," as mentioned above: "Every year or so someone takes me aside and says, you actually are weirdly polite, aren’t you? And I always thrill. They noticed. The complimenters don’t always formulate it so gently. For example, two years ago at the end of an arduous corporate project, slowly turning a thousand red squares in a spreadsheet to yellow, then green, my officemate turned to me and said: “I thought you were a terrible ass-kisser when we started working together.” She paused and frowned. “But it actually helped get things done. It was a strategy.” (That is how an impolite person gives a compliment. Which I gladly accepted.) She was surprised to see the stubborn power of politeness over time. Over time. That’s the thing. Mostly we talk about politeness in the moment. Please, thank you, no go ahead, I like your hat, cool shoes, you look nice today, please take my seat, sir, ma’am, etc. All good, but fleeting.... People silently struggle from all kinds of terrible things. They suffer from depression, ambition, substance abuse, and pretension. They suffer from family tragedy, Ivy-League educations, and self-loathing. They suffer from failing marriages, physical pain, and publishing. The good thing about politeness is that you can treat these people exactly the same. And then wait to see what happens. You don’t have to have an opinion. You don’t need to make a judgment. I know that doesn’t sound like liberation, because we live and work in an opinion-based economy. But it is. Not having an opinion means not having an obligation. And not being obligated is one of the sweetest of life’s riches.... This is not a world where you can simply express love for other people, where you can praise them. Perhaps it should be. But it’s not. I’ve found that people will fear your enthusiasm and warmth, and wait to hear the price. Which is fair. We’ve all been drawn into someone’s love only to find out that we couldn’t afford it. A little distance buys everyone time. Last week my wife came back from the playground. She told me that my two-year-old, three-foot-tall son, Abraham, walked up to a woman in a hijab and asked “What’s your name?” The woman told him her name. Then he put out his little hand and said, “Nice to meet you!” Everyone laughed, and he smiled. He shared with her his firmest handshake, like I taught him."