#261

Jean-Claude Van Damme turned 55 a few months ago. I liked Stallone, Seagal, and the rest, but 'Van Damage' kicked and splitted his way to supremacy, in my mind. He did cheesy action to perfection, and his formula always involved hot costars pawing at his muscles. (I will objectify men in a second, also.) Stallone and Schwarzenegger mostly kicked ass for its own sake, not for the girl. This didn't make much sense to me. Who cares about revenge, respect, or Colonel Trautman? Heroes get the girl. Period. (Naturally, I'm a Bond fan.) Things like the Terminator, a Chuck Norris Roundhouse, or Dirty Harry's .44 weren't worthy of worship. Arnold's Predator movie is amazing, and Rambo is beyond description, but Van Damme's latest was what I looked forward to. His Belgian accent played well, as did Schwarzenegger's Austrian, and Stallone's Italian drawl ("If you don' wan me mixin' wit Creed no mo..."). Come to think of it, Connery and Stathem speak funny too; apparently you need an accent to kick ass and get girls. Finally, my youth understood. As for movies, Van Damme's 'Cyborg' blew my mind. The good guy was vulnerable because of his niceness, and the bad guy was cruel, deep-voiced, and ripped (as ripped as Justin Theroux's Seamus O'Grady, the Irish-accented bad-boy in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle). This was before zero body fat was an everyday thing. But it wasn't Van Damme's fitness; he didn't work harder than Arnold, Rocky in III, or Rambo in II (although I was starstruck when I saw Stallone with Bobby Rahal at a race; Papa Mike is friends with Bobby). In the end, there's only one embarrassing conclusion: I simply loved Van Damme's movies. Cyborg, yes. Also Bloodsport was great, perfectly violent but campy. Then he nailed ten in a row: Kickboxer, Universal Soldier, Lionheart, Hard Target, Timecop, Maximum Risk, Death Warrant, Nowhere to Run, Sudden Death. And in Double Impact, we got two Van Damages for the price of one (plus a smokin' female cast). I was engrossed, elated, addicted. It was years before I'd rather watch something like a DiCaprio film. (Blood Diamond, The Departed, Inception, Gatsby, The Revenant... all sensational.) And so I wonder if Michael will have a corny allegiance to admit someday like mine to the canon of Van Damme. I wonder if Michael's ever seen a dubbed Kung Fu movie? Probably not, poor kid. And even Van Damme isn't as awesome as Bruce Lee.