David Foster Wallace

"Learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed. Think of the old quote about the mind being an excellent servant but a terrible master."
     — David Foster Wallace 

"But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down. Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it. This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship. Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship - be it JC or Allah, be it Yahweh or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles - is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, cliches, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness. Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings. They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing. And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the center of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving. The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day. That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think." 
     — David Foster Wallace

Stuff About Things #15

"You can be the perfect parent, getting everybody into doing the perfect things at the perfect school to make them the perfect kids. But really, you're in the lap of the gods. You can't really do fuck-all about what paths they chose. They have ultimate control and it's scary."
     — Jack Nicholson

"My kids are not that interested in my movie career, by the way. My son, in particular, never talks about it. He just wants me as his dad."
     — Hugh Jackman

"My father would always tell us, 'Don't tell me what you're going to do, show me what you're going to do, or let me read about what you're doing.' Point being: Shut up and do the work. The same goes for being a really good father. To me, it means putting in the time. Like anything else, the more you put in, the more you get out of it."
     — Ed Burns, actor and director

"My father is very Jean Valjean. He's what I would call a great example of a religious person. He is deeply thoughtful man whose religion is in his deeds way more that anything else. It's not talked about that much.... I've never heard my dad say a bad word about anybody. He always keeps his emotions in check and is a true gentleman. I was taught that losing it was indulgent, a selfish act.... My father is a real idealist, and he's all about learning. If I asked for a pair of Nikes growing up, it was just a resounding 'No.' But if I asked for a saxophone, one would appear the next day and I'd be signed up for lessons. Anything to do with education or learning, my father would spare no expense."
     — Hugh Jackman

"You don't learn much when you're talking."
     — Jack Nicholson

"Life is short, art is long."
     — Hippocrates

"Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time."
     — Thomas Merton

"I am still learning."
     — Michelangelo

"The least of learning is done in the classrooms."
     — Thomas Merton

"Respect motivates me, not success."
     — Hugh Jackman

"Everybody's afraid of something. That's how we know we care about things."
     — Frank Farmer, played by Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard

"Once off to a good start in giving vent to his spleen, the Old Man does not cool down soon or easily. His testiness and vituperation seem to feed on his own language. Without interrupting his supervision of the work in hand, he discoursed in a loud voice about deficiencies in the third officer's ancestry, complexion, character, courage, and ability. He accused him of unmentionable vices and called him various uncomplimentary names. As you may guess (I will not repeat) the hairy-chested words the captain actually used, but altogether it was a painful display of browbeating.... (Today) the Old Man is in high spirits.... The skipper and I get along famously, thus far. Before breakfast, he is inclined to be grumpy, as he admits, but for the rest of the day he is as gentle as a lamb, unless something riles him – bawdy language among the men, for example. That usually leads to a gentle admonition to all concerned that he'll be goddamned if he'll stand for one such word from any Christless bastard on board. After supper I jolly him into a talkative mood, and he yarns about the sea, islands of palm or ice, whales, porpoises, birds, fish, and mighty sea-farin' men. Since 1883 he has commanded ten whalers, including the famous barks Bertha, Lydia, Swallow, and Wanderer. He has his own saga and his odyssey. Calms put him in low spirits. The harder the wind blows, the merrier he becomes."
     — Robert Cushman Murphy, Logbook For Grace

"(The picture I look at daily) is a photo of a little girl named Abby. I met her in hospice when she was three and diagnosed with a terminal illness. She was such a brave little girl and so determined, but everyone insisted she was going to die and kept telling me not to get my hopes up. I also have another photo of her. She's 24 and in her wedding dress. She and her husband now have two children of their own, and they've adopted two more. Miracles happen.... (The death of a child) was my greatest fear about becoming a doctor, and one I had to face multiple times. These kids are my heroes.... You realize you could just stand among them, many of whom have lost their hair and are undergoing painful treatments, and feel hopeless. But you have to equip yourself to make a difference, to step close enough to the fire to get burned yourself."
     — Dr. Chuck Dietzen, formerly a medical director of pediatric hospice

"I don't (have balance in my life). There's always been days when it doesn't really work out. Sometimes I'd get physically ill from the guilt of wanting to please everyone – that's my nature – I hate anyone to be unhappy. But I think my spiritual journey is to have had these weird relationships and write music that people can somehow relate to. I've never had a record that is almost all about being happy and in love."
     — Gwen Stefani, mother of three, creator of a clothing line (L.A.M.B.), businesswoman, musician

"One does not escape that easily from the seduction of an effete way of life. You cannot arbitrarily say to yourself, I will now continue my life as it was before this thing, Success, happened to me. But once you fully apprehend the vacuity of a life without struggle you are equipped with the basic means of salvation. Once you know this is true, that the heart of man, his body and his brain, are forged in a white-hot furnace for the purpose of conflict (the struggle of creation) and that with the conflict removed, man is a sword cutting daisies, that not privation but luxury is the wolf at the door and that the fangs of this wolf are all little vanities and conceits and laxities that Success is heir to."
     — Tennessee Williams

"You're only here for a short time, mate. Learn to like it."
     — Russell Crowe

"The important thing to me is that I'm not driven by people's praise and I'm not slowed down by people's criticism. I'm just trying to work at the highest level I can."
     — Russell Crowe

"I'd move to Los Angeles if New Zealand and Australia were swallowed by a tidal wave, if there was a bubonic plague in England, and if the continent of Africa disappeared from a Martian attack."
     — Russell Crowe

"The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity."
     — W. B. Yeats

"Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy."
     — W. B. Yeats 

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but rather the lighting of a fire."
     — W. B. Yeats

"Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking."
     — W. B. Yeats

"Don't count the days, make the days count."
     — Muhammad Ali

"I am the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was."
     — Muhammad Ali

"I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point."
     — Ryan Reynolds

"I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair."
     — Ryan Reynolds

"On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom."
     — Ryan Reynolds

"It's important kids eat 5 servings of vegetables daily. Even if childhood is just a dress-rehearsal for extraordinary adult suffering."
     — Ryan Reynolds

I feel like pictures today... They grow up fast... How does one say thank you

John Wayne the dad, by Ethan Wayne

“There’s a picture of my father that I love. It shows the real man. He’s on a horse going full speed, a herd of horses running around him. He’s maybe 66. He looks so confident and alive. You’d never know he had only one lung and a bad knee and had been falling off horses for six decades. He never stopped being John Wayne, even when he was sick (with cancer) and the work wasn’t easy for him. He did what he was expected to do because he had kids who depended on him and film crews who needed him to stay employed. He worried more about others than himself…. Life was as normal as it could be. We lived outside Hollywood. There were no bodyguards, Dad answered the door, we went to the market, that sort of thing. The only time I realized that Dad was different was when I visited a friend a few houses down. His mom asked us to get the mail. I thought, ‘Oh man, I hate getting mail.’ In my house, getting the mail meant dragging huge boxes and bags from the street. But we went out to his mailbox, and there were three envelopes in there. That was sincerely puzzling to me. I asked, ‘That’s it? That’s all the mail you get?’ We had three secretaries whose jobs were just answering all my dad’s fan mail (and) my dad treated it like part of his job. He appreciated that people continued to watch his movies even as he aged. It was never like, ‘I’m important,’ he was just eternally grateful to his fans for supporting his films…. He drove Pontiac station wagons. He never wanted anything special…. (But he had a boat) and when we took the boat up to Alaska, one of my jobs was to get ice for adults’ cocktails. So they’d drop me off with a fire ax to chop off a few chunks from the glacier ice floating nearby. (I had to be careful and it wasn’t easy) and when I brought it back I felt like a hero…. One of my chores was to sweep up the seeds that fell off the rubber tree in our yard. I hated it. I remember being nine years old and doing a terrible job, and Dad would get frustrated. He’d grab the broom and show my how to sweep properly. He has a very specific technique. My biggest memory isn’t him teaching me how to ride a horse, it's him teaching me how to sweep…. I was never okay when he left to go on location for a movie without me. I was very close to my father, so I hated not being with him. I’d ask when he was coming back and he’d say, ‘I’ll be back in September, God willing and the river don’t rise.’ That really affected me. I was like, ‘What the hell does that mean? The river don’t rise? What is that?’ It was horrible. It’s bad enough that your dad is going to be gone for months, but now you’re worried about the river rising…. Once, we were at the house in Newport Beach, which was right next to the water. It was late at night, and he heard something down by the dock. He grabbed one of his guns and his flashlight and went down, and there were these two big guys. Dad growled, ‘Who the hell are you?’ They said they were marines on shore leave. They knew he lived there, so after a couple drinks, they’d rowed out to see if he was there. But they’d lost their nerve and were sorry, they’d be on their way. And Dad was like, ‘Well, get up here and have a drink with me.’ He brought them into the house, and they talked until at least 1 a.m. That’s how my dad was. He was grateful and welcoming to everybody.”

#390

I think it's interesting how much arrogance exists in fields of study like health, medicine, nutrition, fitness. Know-it-alls are annoying. Especially given the vicissitudes of what they 'know.' For example, they tell us: "Okay, this time we got it right, we know for sure that fat is bad for you. Uh, I mean carbs. Did I say fat? Carbs are bad, carbs and inflammation are killing you!" Debates rage about a thousand other substances. Salt, butter, meat, alcohol, insulin, hormones, ketones, nightshade veggies, whatever. I just wish they'd be like, "This is our advice, but research is still emerging and evolving." That's all. Instead, we get, "Okay, this exercise will help your knees, because the old one I prescribed actually damages them. But this time I know I'm right." Okay, I'm just crabby this morning. Obviously, medical conditions exist that still escape our understanding and treatment. And that's okay. I just appreciate humility, especially when it's called for based on reality. Our elected officials should have some humility. But then maybe they'd be trounced in elections when perceived as weak, waffling, uncertain. Voters: "This dumbass admits he's not 100% sure how to fix things! What an idiot! I ain't votin' for him!" Okay, but once you take office, and dig in and begin the work and begin to collaborate... nevermind. I'm whining. In my field, technology and engineering, there's a widespread understanding that devices, for example, are going to get faster, smarter, smaller, better. They just are. It's an undeniable trend we're not only okay with, we're excited about. We look at the first smartphones we developed – and the components, technology, materials, and designs that comprise them – and they're laughably clunky and inadequate. Of course, that's judging by today's standards, but back then there was still a similar sense, an understanding that this or that bit of hardware or software was going to be much improved someday. And it is. And maybe someday we'll 'know it all,' or we might be able to say – with a straight face – that the overall technology growth curve has flattened, if only just a little, but we ain't there yet; we ain't even close. And I think that's just as true in health, medicine, nutrition, even fitness. I appreciate good advice, and very often follow it, but I take it for what it is. There are arrogant A-holes in tech too, by the way. The human race is loaded with big-talkers and self-promoters and, honestly, they often achieve breakthroughs and great things. Things that empathic, humble wimps like me aren't achieving. So I'm grateful for the A-holes, even as I hope they evolve personally, just as their fields of study do.

As a parent who – for better or worse –parents the way I do, I often wonder about the difference between leniency and negligence. If parenting is a map or chart, and these two are neighboring regions – as I'm assuming there's 'proximity' between the two – of course I prefer to be in 'lenient.' 'Negligent' suggests no expectations, no oversight. That's not me. M 'n' m get good grades and generally behave, among other shining qualities. Nor would I wish myself in the region of 'overly-strict and suffocating.' Which is not a concern, as I'm not even capable of that style. This, by the way, I'm not proud of; in some situations it's very called for. And, anyway, how does one find the 'perfect amount of discipline and direction' region? Pretty sure I've never stumbled into that one. Never visited, never even sniffed it breezes. Does such a place exist? I think it does, but there are only vacation homes there, condos maybe, places not occupied very long by the same commendable people. 

We're all information, all of us, whether readers or writers, your or I. The DNA in our cells, the bioelectric currents in our nerves, the chemical emotions in our brains, the configurations of atoms within us and of subatomic particles within them, the galaxies and whirling constellations we perceive not only when looking outward but also when looking in, it's all, every last bit and byte of it, information. Now, whether all this information seeks to comprehend itself, whether that is the ultimate goal to which our universe trends, we obviously don't yet know for certain, though the fact that we humans have evolved, we forms of information capable of ever-increasing understandings of information, suggests it might be the case.
     — Mohsin Hamid, How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia

Stuff About Things #14

"No wonder that Alexander carried the Illiad with him on his expeditions in a precious casket. A written word is the choicest of relics."
     — Henry David Thoreau

"Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only not indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind."
     — Thoreau

"I did not know we had ever quarreled."
     — Thoreau, when asked if he'd made his peace with God, in his final days before death to illness

"I can tell you from experience, the effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is."
     — Jim Carrey

"My philosophy is you should be nice and helpful to everyone.... (My wife and I) have everything we need. I'm very comfortable with my dented old Volkswagen Golf. I would feel embarrassed if I bought a fancy-looking car or a new home. It would just reflect poorly on me somehow.... Our version of buying a Lamborghini and owning a giant house is that we give away a lot of money to help others.... I bought a house for my mom.... The most important thing for me about having money is that it takes away most of the anxiety I've lived with my whole life."
     — Biz Stone, the co-founder of Twitter and now a billionaire

"Ideas don't come out fully formed, they only become clear as you work on them. You just have to get started."
     — Mark Zuckerberg

"Our brains are constantly being shaped, most often unwittingly."
     — Health magazine

"Happiness is a skill. Skills must be learned."
     — Matthieu Ricard

"Why is it that some people can bounce back from a tough event, while others struggle to get their mojo back? Resilience comes more easily to some of us than others, but anybody can learn to be more emotionally hardy. Resilience – the capacity to respond and recover when life wallops you upside the head – is a pretty essential ability. Being able to handle minor daily setbacks helps prime us for bigger-picture curveballs such as a job loss or the death of a loved one. We need stress to grow. It's like working out: You're not going to get stronger unless you stress the muscle. And if you don't work out, you'll atrophy.... When you get bad news, don't jump to extreme conclusions. Resilient people steer clear of catastrophic thinking, which causes downward spirals and blocks purposeful action. A major step toward resilience is recognizing that we are the authors of our lives. You can't always control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude and enact change when bad times hit. Resilient people have an internal locus of control. They don't take losses personally or lump defeat into bigger, scarier patterns. They realize a setback can be a challenge and an opportunity. They know crisis can lead to a breakthrough, while success is often an obstacle to learning."
     — Health magazine

"I started to notice the tumult that my self-important, future-focused thinking brought on. When my thoughts run the show and I do the first thing that comes to mind, I have the mental finesse of a brakeless freight train. I become the guy who treats his work commute like Daytona. I fire off regrettable emails.... (But) I've come to realize that impulses, thoughts, and emotions are temporary. I don't have to act on them. About a year ago I was driving and listening to a podcast explaining that if you take all of time that we know of and put it on a yearlong scale – called the cosmic calendar – all of recorded history shows up on December 31 at about 11:59 p.m." (Yes, in the grand scheme, things are quite temporary.)
     — Men's Health magazine

"Research shows that 85% of things people worry about actually end up having a positive or neutral outcome."
     — Health magazine

"I've learned yoga and breathing techniques to deal with anxiety. It's really simple, but it's true. Just breathe."
     — Julia Stiles

"Whatever it is that's making you nervous, try to find the joy in it because as soon as you do that, it takes a little bit of that pressure off."
     — Cote de Pablo

"Before you have to do that thing that makes you so nervous, clench your fists and tighten everything in your body for 10 seconds, and then let it go."
     — Cheryl Hines

"When someone gestures while talking, the observers show more auditory cortex activity. Movement helps a listener listen better. ... So at your next presentation, do what great comedians do: Move. Gesticulate. Stay lively."
     — researchers at UCLA / Men's Health magazine

"'That's where a lot comedians go wrong. They're not genuine,' (says Kevin Hart) ... Mimicry leads to mediocrity. Maybe one of your colleagues is great at long stories with triumphant punch lines. Unless that strategy comes naturally to you, don't do it. Your humor should be specific to you. Perhaps that means witty observations, or something subtler, like facial expressions. Whatever is you, run with that.... 'You've got to be cool missing the big laughs,' Hart says. Everybody - even the great comedians - tell bad jokes. But then they move on. They don't stop to explain their punch lines. You've seen this: The awkward dinner-party moment where some guy finds himself lost in the weeds of his own long story. He doubles back, trying to fill holes, introduce more characters, add more heroism. 'Just pull out,' Hart says. 'Your attitude has to be You boo me today, but you'll clap me tomorrow. It's not cockiness. It's about counting your losses and moving on.' So if your rambling story about a sleazy car salesman stalls, deploy a segue. Just say, 'Anyway, I'm glad I don't sell cars.' Then change the subject entirely - to your job, the weather, the bean dip. The sooner you bail, the sooner people will forget."
     — Men's Health magazine.

"High finance touches – ruins – the lives of ordinary people.... And yet, ordinary people, even those who have been the most violated, are never left with a sense of how they've been touched or by whom. Wall Street, like a clever pervert, is often suspected but seldom understood and never convicted."
     — Michael Lewis

"Discipline equals freedom."
     — Jocko Willink

"Wind extinguishes a candle but fuels a fire."
     — Nassim Taleb, from his book Antifragile

"Today Captain Cleveland and I paid a call on the Captain of the whaling ship Nor, which is cooking carcasses in the harbor, thus supplementing the work of the overloaded shore factory. This skipper was a rough-and-ready Norwegian, whose manner gave no indication of any particular esthetic sensitiveness. Yet when we entered his commodious cabin, we found that it was a conservatory of potted and blossoming plants. The whole upper half was covered with racks, from some of which vines had extended to the skylight. A flowery taste seems to be characteristic of Norseman, for Nordenhaag's cabin is full of roses, separated only by window panes from the blizzards that howl outside."
     — Robert Cushman Murphy, from his awesome Logbook for Grace, I love plants and have too many of them, and other guys do too, it seems, not sure where that affinity comes from for those of us afflicted, but we do have 'Norseman' / Swedish ancestry in this family

"By some chance, we fell to talking about ancient surgery in Hawaii and South America, where it is alleged that broken skulls were repaired with pieces of scraped coconut shell or plates of silver. At this, Mr. Alves, a native of Brava (and island in Cape Verde), showed us a slightly bulging scar on his bald dome, above the forehead, and stated that the frontal bone had been trephined (operated on with a hole saw to remove a circle of bone) and a chunk of it replaced by calabash shell. When eight years old, he had fallen off a high wall, knocking a hole through his skull, and a Portuguese surgeon had performed the successful operation."
     — Robert Cushman Murphy, Logbook for Grace, 1912

"A whale ship was my Yale College and my Harvard."
     — Ishmael in Melville's Moby Dick

"I understand him better now, understand the pounding his character endured in that defining time overseas.... A lot of men were damaged deep inside by the killing and dying of wars, then tried to heal themselves with... sour mash and self-loathing."
     — Rick Bragg, All Over but the Shoutin'

"Yeah, we could arrest Proctor. But I got a feeling that the cartel's gonna want a few words with him about their dead men. And when they come, I'd just as soon he was as far away from the police station as possible, if you take my meaning. Time and experience, son, time and experience. So you go write up that bullshit report so I can sign it. Thanks for the coffee." 
     — Sheriff Brock Lotus, Banshee ... Time and experience, son, time and experience

"I gotta be me."
     — Lucas Hood, Banshee

#389

Aziz Ansari. I like his comedy. I like his TV show. I’ve quoted him here. But I don’t think a 34-year-old guy should go on a date with a 22-year-old girl and NOT be prepared for a little scrutiny. Frankly, it comes across as slightly messed up to me, if not outright predatory, and certainly not the healthiest arrangement for either party (in the humble opinion of this early-forties father). Admittedly, a 39-year-old man dating a 27-year-old woman sounds better. These are my prejudices. At 22 I was painfully immature, impressionable, and, relationship-wise, inexperienced. If, back then, a lovely 34-year-old woman suggested we go on a date, I don’t know how I would’ve responded – see the part about me being immature – but her intentions would not have been to conversate and impart life wisdom. (Since she was in high school when I was in diapers, I'll assume her superiority in life wisdom. Although going out with my 22-year-old dumb ass would indicate no wisdom.) Thankfully, established women know better. They like real men. Not 22-year-old kids.

It feels dangerous to comment on the #MeToo movement, but we're entitled to opinions, right? Criticizing Aziz Ansari (who did nothing illegal and is now being supported by countless women decrying his 'character assassination') is obviously controversial. A 22-year-old woman might think, "Exactly. Why would I date a stupid 22-year-old boy when I can date a man, someone older and refined?" Good question. But I dispute the refinement of a 30-something 'man' who dates a college girl. I just do. Regardless, as a father of a daughter, this is my view: under no circumstances should a woman be made to feel uncomfortable and without recourse, especially in the workplace, especially around men of influence and power, especially around men twice their age, especially around any man. Guys should take a hint, get a clue. I realize, however, this view could be over-simplified and naive in some ways. People are complex. Relationships can be really complex. I believe the private lives of people should remain private barring illegality and harm to the helpless and innocent. Regarding M 'n' m, this is another reminder to preach to them about respect, boundaries, personal comfort and responsibility, the strength to escape bad behavior, the strength to confront it, and so on. I don't know all the answers, but age-appropriate discussion with kids is good. I think. Even if they aren't listening. They probably aren't listening.

It also feels dangerous to flip something like the Aziz Ansari story around – as I did above – and consider the scenario of an older woman and a much younger man. I realize #MeToo has everything to do with men behaving badly. But flipping it around called to mind a guy I saw at a Barnes & Noble in Iowa City a few years back. He was with Mila Kunis that day, but Ashton Kutcher, coincidentally – I just Googled it – married Demi Moore when he was 27 and she was 42. The marriage lasted six years and who's to say it wasn't good for both of them. For whatever reason, I guess I'd be more critical of Demi if she was 35 or 37 to Ashton's 20 or 22. Why? Well, life isn't linear to me, even if the law says you're an adult at 18, or 21, or whenever. There are periods of higher growth, sensitivity, and vulnerability. Call me crazy. I do.

Go Vikings in the NFC Championship! M 'n' m have family in Minnesota. Michael likes the Vikes. I almost wrote 'Viqueens' there but I didn't. I'm a Bears fan but not a hater. We'll talk about passive-aggression some other time. Also, employing the feminine as derogatory.

#388

I wrote before about beauty and the superficiality – and artificiality – of magazine covers these days, and magazine content. It's interesting to note, however, that tabloids in their current form have been around for a hundred years, and publicized political bullshit and nonsense for thousands of years, since the Romans for sure, and probably long before that. Dignitaries in ancient Egypt probably spread lies and back-stabbed each other in struggles for rank; the pharaoh must've enjoyed rumors and gossip, even if patently untrue, especially about people who annoyed him. Or annoyed her; several pharaohs were women, don't forget, Cleopatra and others. This is assuming that 'annoying the pharaoh' didn't get you immediately executed. King Tut: "Please take So-And-So to the pit of misery." You know the commercial. "Dilly-dilly!" So the difference I think, between pharaoh's Egypt and today's America, is the over-abundance and ever-presence of it. Unrealistic, sensationalized media I mean; it's in our pockets, literally, on our nightstands, everywhere, and it can be harmful. I guess the magazine racks, and all the bikinis and shirtless-dudes, are only part of it. I just don't want Megan wanting someone else's life, and I hope her primary goal isn't "a life lived as if through the pages of a glossy magazine" (a phrase I'm stealing from Jojo Moyes' book Me Before You). If Megan cures cancer, of course she'll be on magazine covers. But the 'goal' would be the former. If she pursued a career in art, acting, or modeling, I would support her. And success might include magazines and mass media, but.... never mind, I sound like a parent, a really boring and annoying one. Ah, yes, give him a private tour of the pit of misery! Hey, not to be melodramatic, but that's parenting sometimes. We never make perfect sense to our kids. I don't make sense to myself, half the time. Maybe because parenting is emotional, complex, important, awesome. Experts don't exist. Opinions, methods, philosophies, personalities, perspectives vary and vary wildly, it seems to me. Blah blah. There's a point I'd like to make, however, that sort of eases my concerns about glossy magazines and the ubiquity of hyperbolized media, and it has to do with YouTubers. YouTubers are celebrities to our kids; they have been for years; this is old news. M 'n' m can't name any movie stars, but they can recite and mimic popular YouTubers like it's their job. And here's what I see: YouTubers are messy. It's not magazine cover stuff. It's real, even if outrageous and staged, even if obnoxious and stupid. So maybe that's a blessing in disguise. Real people. But again, that's me looking through a lens – and a childhood – that didn't have YouTube. We didn't have photoshop either, or thousands of mainstream fitness, modeling, entertainment, and fashion magazines and websites. Life was simpler back then, wasn't it?

I mentioned F-words in #387 and Grandpa Mike should thank me for not mentioning him. I remember when he was very frustrated with his smartphone at a hotel in Orlando the night before he took M 'n' m to Disney World. Megan heard some new words for sure. But hey, Disney World. And I believe grandpas are supposed to be great seasoners of their grandchildren. It's their job, and the great ones do it richly. My grandpas were two of the very best. M 'n' m are similarly blessed. For that, I'm grateful.

"One of the guards who looked after my grandfather told me how he smuggled me in when I was eight months old, so my grandfather could hug and kiss me."
      — Nelson Mandela's granddaughter

"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they share the same enemy."
     — Sam Levenson

"Trying to explain how much I love my grandkids is like trying to count the stars."
     — internet meme

"Saw it... liked it... told Grandma... got it!"
     — internet meme

"Grandma: like a mom, only cooler."
     — internet meme

"My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition."
     — Indira Gandhi

"More and more, when I single out the person who inspired me most, I go back to my grandfather."
     — James Earl Jones

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
     — Woody Allen... had to end with a funny one

Megan likes a musician called Avicii...

... and so do I, especially since he writes lyrics like the ones below. I don't know the story behind this song and its lyrics, but at face value, I like 'em. Megan's been playing it in the car lately. Plus Avicii is Swedish. We have Swedish ancestry. I went to Stockholm last year. It's pretty rich with history and culture. And it's beautiful in the summer; it's an archipelago like Venice (which I didn't realize until I visited). And I like Swedish meatballs, lingonberries, herring, and reindeer meat. And Vikings. And the warship Vasa.

From Avicii's "The Nights"

Went face to face with all our fears
Learned our lessons through the tears
Made memories we knew would never fade
One day my father, he told me
"Son, don't let it slip away"
He took me in his arms, I heard him say
"When you get older
Your wild heart will live for younger days
Think of me if ever you're afraid"
He said: "One day you'll leave this world behind
So live a life you will remember"
My father told me when I was just a child
"These are the nights that never die"
My father told me
When thunder clouds start pouring down
Light a fire they can't put out
Carve your name into those shining stars
He said: "Go venture far beyond the shores
Don't forsake this life of yours
I'll guide you home, no matter where you are"

#387

I like words. I like clever phrasings (I underline them in the books I read). I like dialogue, dictionaries, lyrics, and jokes. I even like a few bad words, and the way good, smart, funny people use them for emphasis and humor. There are bad people though, and I don't like it when bad people use bad words. And there are some words I'll never use, but I'm not on any moral high horse; word selection involves choices and preferences like everything else, to which everyone is entitled, with the exception of things that cause hate and hurt. So anyway, fuck, I've lost my train of thought. That, actually, isn't the best use of an F-word in my opinion. It's just kind of flat there, and alone. But sometimes a good bad word is okay, even helpful. I think there's a movie where one character says to another, "I fucking love you." Now, depending on the giver and receiver of that statement, it's okay; it's all good; maybe it's even better because of that special... adverb? Is that an adverb? I'm not sure; I know it's been variously and enthusiastically used in all forms: noun, verb, adjective, adverb, modifier, qualifier, classifier, proper (it's been awhile since I took an English grammar class). I know that grandmas, in general, don't like F-words as much as comedians, athletes, and angry people. I don't use the F-word in front of kids, mine or any others. Again, no moral superiority, I just can't do it. M 'n' m will be adults soon, and then I wonder if I'll drop one on them once in a while. It may depend on how they use and respond to language; I'm inclined to match (within reason); I like to fit in; I'm a people-pleaser. No doubt M 'n' m will be fairly desensitized by popular culture and movies as they mature into adults. Of course, I agree there should be accepted rules for the use of bad words, especially around young people. Of course, I advocate respect, sensitivity, not being a classless, ignorant jerk, and so on.

I like words but I only know them fluently in English. There are 6909 living languages according to Google, although only 6% of those serve 94% of us on the globe. But 6% of 6909 is still about 415 languages. That's a lot of words and sounds, even if many of them mean the same things. But they don't always mean the same things. Dialects and slang exist (I'm not sure how they're accounted for in the numbers above). And multiple meanings and multiple uses exist. It's within these subcategories, I guess, that teens develop their own language. A kind of teen slang evolves for every generation or decade, roughly demarcated, and I've noticed for several years now when the kids – Megan, Michael, Sophie, Cole, their friends and teammates – use words curiously to me, in ways I consider new or unusual. Here are examples: Triggered, Roasted, Exposed, Savage, Same, Epic, Trash, Garbage, False, Lit, Shade (as in 'throwing shade') and so on; there are more. And I noticed some slang usages never die. The word 'like' is alive and well in teen lexicon, and I don't mean as introduced by Facebook. I'm talking about, like, how valley girls used it back in the '80s. Or was it surfers? Jeff Spicoli? Bill and Ted? I still say 'dude' and 'awesome' but I don't think M 'n' m do. 'Totally' hasn't, like, totally died, has it? Pretty sure Bitchin', Bad, Rad, Gnarly, Wicked, No Duh, and Not! aren't popular anymore. Been forever since I heard someone say they're gonna 'barf' because 'that's grody, dude.' Airhead, dork, dweeb, poser, spazz? I was called all of these things many times (30 years ago). Dude, quit bein' a spazz. Okay. But life was awesome back then, when people said 'take a chill pill' and 'skate or die.' I miss it. So when Michael or Cole say something is epic or savage or lit (some of these, by the way, are already uncool I think), I tell them, "Enjoy it, dudes, it's awesome, it's pretty rad being young, but it goes by fast."

Stuff About Things #13

"I'm very grateful.... I'm very happy. It is life changing. If it's not, there's something wrong with you.... The moment that baby's born you're like, okay, hey, it's not about me anymore. Which is kind of a relief I think.... Having a family is crazy, it's bigger than any movie, but having a son is like winning an Oscar every morning, when I hear him, man, I am a father."
     — Tom Arnold, with Bear Grylls

"It's about expectations. My wife, that's why she loves me, her expectations are so low."
     — Tom Arnold

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
     — Maya Angelou

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched."
     — Helen Keller

"Our legacy isn’t what we write on our resume or how many commas we have in our bank account. It’s who we’re lucky enough to have in our lives and what we can leave them with. The one thing we do know, we’re here now. So I say we do the best we can, while we're on this side of the dirt, and that’s what I think about my legacy."
     — Henry, the Book of Henry 

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all."
     — Hellen Keller

"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face."
     — Mike Tyson

"It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things."
     — Leonardo Da Vinci

"Remember, Babe Ruth was not only the home run king, he was also the strikeout king."
     — Steve Case, entrepreneur, co-founder of America Online

"No one is qualified to tell you how you experience the world."
     — Vlad Zamfir

"Do your thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece."
     — Ralph Charell

"You learn the secret of this business, which is there's no secret. Be yourself."
     — Larry King

"'There was an energy surrounding (John Travolta on the set of Grease) unlike anything I had ever experienced,' says Dinah Manoff. 'It wasn't even lusting. It was being in the presence of something epic. I had never been around charisma that was at its peak that way. I cannot describe it to you. There is no other movie star I have been around who carried around the energy he did in those days.' Travolta had already wrapped Saturday Night Fever, which would be released that December. He asked some of the cast if they'd watch a preview. 'I don't know if it's any good,' he told them. 'I wish you guys would tell me.' 'And he meant it - he had no idea how good it was,' says Didi Conn, who attended the screening. 'We flipped out. We said, are you kidding?! It was part of this explosion around him.' Travolta was actually still coping with the loss of his great love, the actress Diana Hyland, who had died in his arms that spring, losing her battle with cancer."
     — Vanity Fair magazine

"People with a vested interest in a certain kind of philosophy find it almost impossible to accept facts that go against that particular philosophy."
     — Aldous Huxley

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."
     — F. Scott Fitzgerald

"If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it."
     — Albert Einstein

"There's a lot of fear associated with being tough."
     — Jonathan Banks

"In a real sense, to grow in life, I must be a seeker of stress."
     — Dr. Jim Loehr

"Never let a good crisis go to waste. It's the universe challenging you to learn something new and rise to the next level of your potential."
     — Kristen Ulmer

"Fear is a friend of exceptional people."
     — Cus D'Amato

"To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing."
     — Elbert Hubbard

"Every single person, pretty much, is taught what they're supposed to do: go to school, get a job, find someone to love, get married, have kids, raise the kids, and then die. Nobody questions that. What if you want to do something different? ... I don't think you can describe your ideal girl. A big part of that is just meeting someone and really clicking and wanting to hang out with them all of the time.... You go to any Jay-Z concert, and he plays his hits. Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on. It's the hardest thing.... I like to eat.... One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack.... It's hard to get really excited about movies. Think about it like this: How many good comedy movies come out a year? Maybe one or two? And then, in those movies, what are the chances there's a character that I'm the best fit to play? It's really small.... I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.... Even in my stand-up, there's a lot more positivity and enthusiasm rather than negative, I-hate-everything vibes.... You can't call anybody anymore. If you try to call someone they're like 'What? Are you on fire? Then quite wasting my time, text me that shit!'"
     — Aziz Ansari, comedian  

"Humor is the highest form of intelligence."
     — I don't know who said this, maybe no one, but I think it's true; Oscar Wilde said something similar about sarcasm, and I do love the Irish literary giants like Wilde, Joyce, and Yeats...

#386

I tell Megan that she's beautiful. It's funny, however, that it triggers some conflicted thinking, or critical thinking; critical of me, I mean, for emphasizing the wrong things? But I tell Meg she's beautiful – and also my nieces – because: (1) I mean it. (2) They are family so I don't consider it inappropriate. (3) I think being appreciative of your human hardware, so to speak – your physical form, body, capabilities – and being okay with your physical appearance, is helpful to mental health and maturation in young people (4) Young people generally need more confidence and security, not less. (5) Young people need more parental support, not less, and more parental attention, not less, more attention from fathers, especially, it seems, even if our efforts, example, and words aren't perfect (6) Unless you're an ostrich, you'll notice that a certain amount of focus on the physical (health, fitness, appearance, attraction) is part of our culture; right or wrong it's reality and denying so feels counterproductive, maybe even harmful. (7) I praise Megan for numerous non-physical attributes also, which leads to me to... (8) I think she knows that beauty isn't just skin deep; but that's what I worry about. Summary of all points and concerns above I guess: I need to make sure that Megan knows beauty isn't just skin deep. It's much more. As a means to impart this, I don't intend to be restrained in neither my compliments nor my comments about what I think enhances beauty and grace and class, and what detracts from it. So there. It doesn't help that every magazine stand in the country is about half-full of covers featuring six pack abs and toned, glossy bodies, male and female. Even reputable magazines, ones that advise and inform, are too much about looking awesome, and too quick to stage and photoshop every image. They're almost like cartoons in this way, unreal, like superheroes, and I hope every kid sees through this. Admittedly, these magazines do their job of grabbing eyeballs, mine included. This is another thing I can talk to M 'n' m about, understand what grabs your attention and why; your attention and energy are finite, spend them wisely. And I'll be tempted to preach about 'external versus internal beauty,' but I don't find them very distinct or disparate actually; the 'internal' can so drastically affect the 'external.' As far as being human, and at times insecure and swayed by the superficial, I confess: guilty. I appreciate compliments and confidence-boosting comments, superficial or otherwise, and I have no plans to stop appreciating them. I have no plans to stop offering them, either, to others, when appropriate. "You look fantastic." And, "You look bright and full of energy, you are definitely gonna get shit done today!" Or maybe I'll tell Megan, "You look fantastic, and you look ready to go be fantastic, you know, ready to go do good things in the world, be a good person, a fantastic person." So I need to work on my compliments for Megan. I guess that's the whole point of my scribbling today.

"The things that make a woman beautiful – moving with grace, accepting yourself, the ability to enjoy life – are timeless. I don't think elaborate rituals make a woman beautiful."
     — Winona Ryder

"The disease of our times is that we live on the surface. We're like the Platte River, a mile wide and an inch deep."
     — Steven Pressfield

"Beauty, like supreme dominion,
Is but supported by opinion."
     — Ben Franklin

"Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them."
     — David Hume

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
     — common saying

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder."
     — I couldn't resist, I'm sure I heard jokes like this when I wasn't much older than M, and again, I think it's best to stay ahead of the nonsense kids may encounter, instead of pretending things change; discussing a thing, even smiling about it, is not advocating it, if it's followed by seriousness and a teaching moment about behavior, respect, the effects of alcohol, whatever. I intend to be real. We'll see how that goes.

Now, to set the record straight about another important matter: Ostriches don't bury their heads in the sand to avoid the 'reality' of a predator, as if they stupidly believe that doing so makes them invisible. After mentioning them above, I grew incredulous, then curious, and so I learned Ostriches dig holes to use as nests and then frequently puts their heads in the holes to turns the eggs. That's the behavior that gave them a bad rap. They can't fly, that part is true. But they do have very long, beautiful eyelashes. They look fantastic!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!