#306

One of the great pleasures of parenting M 'n' m has been witnessing how much Megan adores her older brother. She can be unruly and bullheaded – especially with me – but she has a loyalty and affection for all-things-Michael that makes me proud of both of them.

I like this from Susan Minot: "When siblings share a trauma – one could argue that childhood itself is a trauma – they will be either bound closer together or driven further apart. Our mother died at 48 in a car accident, leaving behind her husband and seven children between the ages of 7 and 21. We were all in shock, moving together like stunned zombies. But it was in a group that we moved, and in a group that we huddled on the life raft together. Though you come from the same place, it doesn't necessarily mean you'll get along, or relate to one another. But if you do relate, your relationship might be the closest that a human can have."

Divorce isn't the loss of a parent, but it's the loss of a certain lifestyle, a preferred, smoother, more stable lifestyle for most kids. Minot refers to siblinghood as "an overlapping of souls." How can we disagree? She says, "My (three) sisters and I share many things: political beliefs, a worship of the temple of the movie theater, a facility with water colors. We have the same voice and the same feet...." Admittedly, since Michael hit puberty, M 'n' m have very different voices and feet.

The mind is very resourceful. Harness it for your benefit. Don't let it harness you for its benefit. This is some of the best advice I will give M 'n' m. It's a little cryptic, corny, koan-ish, whatever – and it's partly just the adage, "Control your thoughts or they will control you." – but it's so fucking important. That's a bad word, sorry (although, be honest, it's not that shocking these days) but nothing is more important. I struggle all the time to keep my internal dialogue positive and productive. Internal dialogue drives human performance (I stole that line from Navy SEAL Thom Shea). A negative internal dialogue is killer, when all else is boiled away, and we face life's challenges. The writer Elizabeth Gilbert says this: “You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.” At a minimum, I hope M 'n' m agree with this, and at a maximum, they master it. No shame in not being a master, however; I, for one, am far from it.

"Choose not a life of imitation....
Go write your message on the pavement....
Complete the motion if you stumble....
This life is more than ordinary....
This life is more than just a read through."
     –– Red Hot Chili Peppers, 'Can't Stop'

"You spend years wishing your parents would get off your back, only to realize they're the only ones who ever really had your back." –– Unknown