#378

I wonder how much Meg is troubled by the Las Vegas rampage. So many people murdered. Megan has a keen sense of the potentially unsafe and scary. She has a kind of hair trigger on her personal fear, and it's a trait or biochemistry she gets from me, I'm afraid. Naturally, our 'hair trigger' misfires. It distorts us and intensifies our perception of things. It helps us too – not much goes over Megan's head, unless she's buried in her smartphone which is too often – but the over-anxiousness can be burdensome. Generally, our well-being and safety isn't being threatened. We're fortunate to live in a good community and country, and I believe the world, overall, is far from lawless. I suppose that's debatable. If you watch the news, you'll surely think the world's headed to hell in a handbasket.... But getting back to Megan and Las Vegas, public shootings are scary. When I was a little younger than m, I was shocked by a similar TV news report; a guy walked into a McDonald's and opened fire. The TV cameras showed police tape, flashing lights, and a terrorized McDonald's restaurant identical to the ones I'd been in many times. I was freaked. I didn't eat comfortably in fastfood joints for months, maybe years; I profiled other diners like I would, honestly, frankly, other airline passengers in the aftermath of 9/11. I sat panicky on airplanes for a few years and still don't love flying. My irrational brain can be like Mike Tyson, and logic like one of his first 37 opponents. (Tyson won his first 19 fights by knockout, 12 in the first round, and 33 of his first 37 by KO; the most dominant young fighter ever.) Anyway, I think I've evolved a little with age, and hopefully m will too.

My days of writing about Michael, directly, will end now. I can still comment on parenthood, I guess, moving forward, as I closely observe upperclassmanship in high school in a few years, and teen driving and dating and growing and maturing and teen technology use and applying for college and getting ready for launch and life. And sports, I can talk about sports, and Iowa State who just cracked the football top 25 rankings!!!!! God I love Iowa State. Almost as much as I love M 'n' m.

Writing is cathartic. Blogging and scribbling and journaling and list-making and emailing and Facebook-posting and attempting to organize thoughts during hectic, emotion-filled days and months and years. Most of my days have significant emotion in them, things above or below neutral, likely both, though some days are more turbulent than others. Maybe writing makes me feel productive, expressive, and not lazy, in addition to the catharsis part, which I seem to use as a primary excuse for writing. But why do I need an excuse to write? Why do I need permission? It's one of those paradoxes in parenting I've discovered; I don't want M 'n' m to be reckless, but I don't want them seeking permission for everything in life either, whether it be from authority figures or pop culture or me. The more I know, the more I realize I don't know. So I want M 'n' m to be confident, empowered individuals, setting their own course and habits that will lead to a long, fulfilling life. Amen.

Definition of CATHARSIS
noun, plural catharses
1: the purging of emotions (such as pity or fear) or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through art
2: a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal
3: elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it release

"Journaling is really about priming our soul for action... activating our energy."
     — Brian Johnson