#332

M 'n' m and I have a new habit: stand-up comedy in the car. YouTube over bluetooth and voila! my minivan is a comedy club. The hard part, of course, is cleanliness. Clean comedy isn't diamond-rare; it's like bigfoot-rare. (Although, there are 75 TV shows now about finding Bigfoot, Sasquatch, killer Russian Yetis, whatever.) Jim Gaffigan is pretty clean and funny. Also Kevin James, Jeff Foxworthy; thank you guys. Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, off limits. No surprise. Louis C.K., Sarah Silverman, Amy Schumer would all teach M 'n' m things I don't want taught. Ever. Dave Chappelle is a genius, but he's on hold too. Another place I go for humor is The Onion. It's often offensive, cynical, crass – so pretty much like everything else in comedy, not for mushy, young minds like M 'n' m's – but it can be hilarious, even if scathing, and many articles apropos to fatherhood. Some favorite Onion headlines:
  
Miracle Of Birth Occurs For 83 Billionth Time

Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music

Reality Of Fatherhood Never Truly Dawned On Man Until He Held Newborn Son’s Hospital Bill

New Parents Wisely Start College Fund That Will Pay For 2 Weeks Of Education 

Third-Grader Clearly Biting Off More Than He Can Chew At Elementary School Book Fair

Parents Wish Weak-Willed Daughter Would Push Back Against Violin Lessons Just A Little

Failure To Get Into Private College Could Be Most Financially Responsible Act Of 17-Year-Old’s Life

Man Makes Quick Call To Parents So Next Week’s Call To Ask For Money Doesn’t Seem That Bad

Pair Of 26-Year-Olds Hit It Off After Learning They Have Massive Student Loans From Same Bank

Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence

Family Watching Movie White-Knuckles It Through Unexpected Sex Scene

Posters of Naked Women Fail To Draw Real Naked Women To Dorm Room

War On String May Be Unwinnable, Says Cat General

Report: Bananas Still Most Popular Fruit For Pretending To Receive Phone Call

Man Doing What He Loves for a Living Needs to Borrow 50 Bucks

Renamed Arena Will Always Be Verizon Wireless Amphitheater To Locals

Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business

Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows to Unleash Tranquility on West

Matt Damon Mans Warner Brothers Booth At College Campus’s Career Day

Apartment Broker Recommends Brooklyn Residents Spend No More Than 150% Of Income On Rent

Study Finds 68% Of Americans Unprepared For Financial Stability

HR Director Reminds Employees That Any Crying Done At Office Must Be Work-Related

Sean Penn Demands To Know What Asshole Took SeanPenn@gmail.com

Shaq misses entire second half with pulled pork sandwich

Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality

Gang members don't have the heart to tell police informant his cover is blown

Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit

New Dog Digs Up Old Dog

Free-Thinking Cat Shits Outside The Box

Archeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race of Skeleton People

Ground Still Least Desirable Surface For Breaking Fall, Study Says

Economically Healthy 'Daily Planet' Now Most Unrealistic Part Of Superman Universe

New Study Recommends Insects Spend At Least 30 Minutes Skittering Per Day

Report: Most Americans Have Enough Saved For Retirement To Live Comfortably On Streets

Accidentally Closing Browser Window With 23 Tabs Open Presents Rare Chance At New Life