#330

I asked myself an important question today: What have I taught my son? What skills, habits, useful know-how have I passed on? I asked myself this and was discouraged by how little came to mind. Michael is polite and social (maybe I've influenced these behaviors); he loves and respects his grandparents; he can hit a baseball a country mile; he eats and sleeps well; he has acceptable hygiene... I'm really scraping now. Although, maybe he's gleaned more than I realize, because I'm certain my dad taught his son more than is recognized and credited. My dad taught me:

1) How to have a great mustache. It's not a skill I use often, but it's there; Papa was mustachioed for most of the 70's and 80's.

2) How to build a fire. Use paper and matches, or a lighter, or a cigarette, or lighter fluid if it's really stubborn. Foul language helps.

3) How to insult and disparage slow drivers, bad drivers, "dickweed" drivers. We all learn to name-call, but some of us learn from the best.

4) How to catch a fish. In 1980, Clear Lake, Iowa was full of a lovely, underappreciated species called bullheads. They ate any bait, even bare hooks, which they swallowed, guaranteeing their capture (and death). I caught tons. We cleaned and ate them. I fancied myself Babe effin' Winkelman and have my dad to thank for taking me to the dock when I was only knee-high.

5) How to fix major appliances. Curse, complain, get the yellow pages, call someone. Truthfully, Papa knows how everything works and I call him when my oven, furnace, dryer, sump, water heater, whatever piece-of-shit thing – see, I learned – quits working. Goddammit.

6) How to love and win at most sports.

7) How to confront a person if necessary.

8) How to tie a necktie. How to polish shoes. How to look like a fucking stud.

9) How to tell a joke.

10) How to be a fun, awesome dad on holidays.

11) How not to argue about chores or you'll end up cutting the lawn with scissors. I never had to cut grass this way but my dad did.

12) The ashes trick and the moron test.

Dad's can teach us a lot. Mine did. He's still at it.