#278

I told Megan, "The best thing about you, Megan, is that you're Megan." She looked mildly offended – a practiced expression – because she didn't understand. I barely understand. We just live it, and feel it, the force of it all, being parent and child. And Megan prefers a more lustrous specificity when I say something good about her. I prefer that too. Parents love their kids powerfully. What can be added? Some say the emotions and instincts are only evolutionary for species propagation, protection, and development. I think that's unimaginative. It discounts many things. Being a dad is incredible, wonderful, perplexing, and ponderous. It's simple and not simple. Daughters don't have to 'earn' their daughter-hood. Meg doesn't. What about dads and dad-hood? Could I be a better father? Oh God yes, I let Meg walk all over me; it's preposterous at times and entirely not healthy. But we move forward and do better. I hope. We learn and improve ourselves. I hope. We have fun and laugh at stupid shit to preserve the fragile sanity we possess in the moments we aren't over-busy or fussing or freaking out. We get along very well, actually. I know relationships can be strained, soured, even ruined. My wish is that Megan and I always treat each other with love and respect. Simple and not simple. Meg didn't appreciate the unspecific, un-awesome 'best thing' I said about her, which was basically: "You're Meg, I love you, you can't really top that or take away from it." I wasn't being disingenuous, of course; or silly, shallow, distracted, or dumb, surprisingly, if you ask me. (No one asked me.) Meg will be a parent, aunt, teacher, coach, counselor, caretaker, friend-of-babies – something – someday that will likely make this resonate a little more.

It would be interesting to leapfrog to spiritual parallels, and consider the simple and un-simple in that realm, but nothing there intellectualizes at all as simple to me. I suspect my puny human brain is lacking some power, perspective, or dimension to grasp any of it. I do intuit, however – poorly and incorrectly I'm sure – that a similar dynamic exists between Creator and created (similar to parent and child), that nothing has to be 'earned' in any kind of typical human contract or construct. 'Profess this, do that,' and so on. I'm rooting for goodness, but also more profundity. I have a headache now.