#271

I asked Michael, "Do you know what masturbation is?" He looked at me funny. I know my choice of words was a bit clinical, like asking him about 'intercourse' or 'prophylactics.' But I wasn't going for Amy Schumer comedy. I didn't want a Eugene Levy moment, either (a la 'American Pie'). I was off to a bad start. Blunt but brief, I told myself, respectful but real. Nothing to be ashamed of, etcetera, etcetera. I switched to the vernacular. This involved a few phrases more descriptive and obvious. Something flashed in Michael's eyes. Recognition? Horror? I couldn't tell which. Actually, I'm exaggerating; the talk was relatively short and unawkward. We covered respect and disrespect, health and unhealth, normal and not normal. We'll talk again.

In my high school library, back in the day, there was a slang dictionary with many fantastic inclusions, like lingo for male parts and female parts and deeds involving them. The lists of expressions and crude synonyms were impressively long and creative. Such metaphorical wizardry. I shed tears on the book I laughed so hard. And that was in the school library; imagine what kids hear in hallways, locker rooms, parking lots, and private parties. Now we have the internet, a thousand TV channels, and a million movies. And yet I have faith. I have faith that M 'n' m and every kid will know the difference between what's funny and not funny, what's real and not real, what's right and wrong. Amen.