Dad Post #212

I love it when Megan steps out of her room looking like Elton John. A poor comparison overall, but I'm referring to her use of glitter, sequins, flowing garments, and big shoes. (Relative to her feet, Megan's skinny body has some catching up to do.) Meg wears jeans, t-shirts, and sweats also, but on other days she pushes the limits of fashion and costumery. She is bold and experimental. She is frequently and fabulously shod, bejeweled, be-scarfed, hatted, or accessorized, sometimes all at once. Of course, 'bold and experimental' is bad if we're talking about bad things, but we're not talking about bad things, we're talking about good things, we're talking about clothing. Lots of clothing. Conservative clothing. It seems the joys and fears of parenting always challenge each other for supremacy. Indeed, they are both exquisite. But the joys always win in the end.... Right?

My kids will never take photos with film and have them developed at a drugstore, or talk on a phone tethered to a horribly wallpapered kitchen wall, or see an NBA player in tight shorts or an NHL'er without a helmet. How sad. They will never know the unpleasantness of cigarette smoke from a neighboring table wafting into their faces at a restaurant. They'll never memorize phone numbers or use a big, unruly, outdated, shitty, impossible-to-fold state map. As adults, they, themselves, will be 'tethered' to smartphones; they won't know what it's like to live – to function even mimimally or temporarily – without a slick, sleek, whiz-bang electronic mobile device that does everything for them except wipe their butts. (Although they might use the Peapod app to get more toilet paper, and there's probably an app to control a bidet.) And they'll feel unarmed, incapable, bewildered, alone, helpless, and naked if they lose this device for even five minutes. By the way, there's one more 'never' I would've included before last night, another thing I was certain of: "I know M 'n' m will never see the Bears defense give up six touchdowns before halftime in Green Bay." Anyway, nevermind, take that one off the list. Good lord that was ugly. Mercy. Uncle. Make it stop. Michael is a Vikings fan. Smart kid. I'm not smart, but I'm loyal. Bears and Cubs will be champs again someday. I'm serious. It's not nice to laugh right now. You're mean.