Life is a Smith

Does iron wrought, in furnaces hot,

     In withering heat, complain?

In life we're ore, and forged before,

     The victories can explain.

#344

I mentioned Michael wears shorts outside even when it's colder than Everest, or, my favorite: colder than a well digger's ass. I mentioned that telling him to dress warm is like talking to a brick wall. I mentioned, "To be a parent is to bore your kids with unsolicited info." And then, because life is ironic, poetic, sympathetic, unsympathetic, and so many lovely and contrary things, the kids become parents and the cycle repeats. It's like in the inharmony we find harmony – now I sound like Alan Watts – in the human cycles that have repeated since the beginning of time. Or the beginning of humanity, at least, which is something like 200,000 years ago? Although, 'civilization' – whatever that means – is only a tenth that old or less? What our parents say chaffs, if only just a little (as in my case; my parents are pretty cool). And isn't this the genesis of progress? "No son, we use spears to kill mammoths," while the kids are thinking, wouldn't it be better to like shoot the arrow from a distance? Who imbued our children with the instinct to resist, change, sometimes do the opposite. Indeed, by definition, progress always comes from the next generation. Right? The following from the book I'm reading inspired me to riff on it:

"He recalled with perfect clarity the irrelevance of old men's maxims to him when he was young. Rain against an umbrella, a young man all but sworn to the task of keeping dry. Archy was not so young anymore, and Mr. Jones had been raining down the pointless counsel on him for a good long time. No more able to restrain himself than a heavy-bellied cloud."
     — Michael Chabon, Telegraph Avenue
 
The performing arts are awesome. Concerts, recitals, ballet and dance, musicals, anything on stage. They're important. I'm always impressed and entertained. When I was Megan's age, my parents took me to Camelot at the Chicago Theater. Richard Harris was King Arthur. Not bad for a first Broadway show. My mom wanted the experience for me, and I'm grateful. I saw Cats in London, Les Miserables twice, a few others; Book of Mormon most recently until last night... Jeanette took me to Saturday Night Fever. Disco, baby, disco! It was fantastic. The energy, music, dance; I walked out high as a kite. Yeah, it's not just fun, it's important. I need to get M 'n' m to more shows.

I complained about the media...

... and labeled it a bit of a monster I fear more – as negatively impactful to M 'n' m and our collective future – than even politics. In doing so, it felt like saying I feared the mouse more than the elephant. And then the prescience of that analogy hit me – I don't mean to sound arrogant, by the way, as I think and write very simply, I'm afraid, and only stumble onto anything meaningful by accident – but isn't it the mouse that causes the elephant to stampede and crush everything? In four decades of living, I've sensed and observed political swings, seemingly calamitous, irreparable, scary at the time (to one side or the other), and in fairly short order they lose energy and stall, and then we have a counter-swing. It's a comforting pendulum to me. Maybe someday the pivot point will break, and our so-called pendulum will devastatingly fly away and not come back ... but I have yet to see it. The media, on the other hand, has metamorphosed into something unable to check its own over-tentacled power – as, theoretically, the different branches of government do for each other. (An ingenious construction, by the way; many thanks to our founding fathers.) In a discussion between Tim Ferriss and Krista Tippett, two minds I've learned much from, this was said, and it highlights a primary problem:

When (interviewers) are going for revelation, it's often in the form of making their questions sound tough; it's about how they sound and how they present, and we actually reward and laud interviewers who push their subjects into corners and embarrass them, who put people on the defensive, and then they strike out, and then that creates the conversation we talk about. I think that rarely accomplishes anything aside from something entertaining, something that demeans both sides of the conversation and demeans us by enjoying it. — Krista Tippett

Brilliantly explained, but true and sad. What is the media, the press, if not a kind of official interviewer and fact-gatherer for society, whose work we rapaciously consume and believe? Or we used to believe it anyway; polls show fewer people than ever – less than a third – trust the media "to report the news fully, accurately and fairly." I wish network news was news again, not entertainment, and certainly not a self-important 24-hour pursuit of further divisiveness, intolerance, and conflict in a world that has enough of those things already. 'Bad news' has its place and importance. But creating it crosses the line for me. The news itself is now the news, and it's not useful, meaningful, or truthful; it's just bad bullshit.

"Well you better get up to speed, dude."

A boy called Nick joined Megan for ice cream. Then the boy called Nick invited Megan to jump on a trampoline, at the boy called Nick's house. Then the boy called Nick joined Megan for a walk with Tyrion (Megan's dog at her Mom's who, thankfully, is enormous but, unthankfully, couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag, and therefore, we'll assume, isn't adequately trained to ensure space and appropriateness and to exact viciousness in response to any violation thereof. I asked Michael about it. He said, "Nick who?" I said, "The boy called Nick who is hanging out with your sister." Michael said, "Why do you keep calling him 'the boy called Nick.'" I said, "Answer the question." He said, "Sorry, I don't know any boy-called-Nicks. I don't know anything about it." I said, "Well you better get up to speed, dude."

"Love blinds even the clearest eye." — The Huntsman: Winter's War

"Wise men say, only fools rush in..." — Elvis Presley

"'Oh, I wasn't thinking,' Stranahan said. 'Love isn't about thinking. You should know that.'" — Skinny Dip by Carl Hiaasen

It's fun to joke about, but I don't plan on worrying too much about Megan and boys, or enlisting Michael as a spy.

"From infancy on, we are all spies; the shame is not this but that the secrets to be discovered are so paltry and so few." — John Updike

Although, maybe I should worry? I suppose I do and always will. I read the following quote and knew instantly John le Carre doesn't have a daughter. Seconds later, Wikipedia confirmed it for me. He has four sons. "Most people like to read about intrigue and spies. I hope to provide a metaphor for the average reader's daily life. Most of us are in a slightly conspiratorial relationship with our employer and perhaps in our marriage." Employer, spouse, but no mention of kids/daughters? Dead giveaway.

I've heard some brilliant people claim...

... Rainer Maria Rilke is one of their favorite poets. His work is especially powerful, lyrical, luminous, they say.

I really love this one, from his Book of Hours: Love Poems to God

“God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.”

#343

Would I be Captain Obvious to say that people seem peevish lately about politics, the President, the media, conservatives / liberals, Republicans / Democrats, accusations, lies, the horror! IT'S WORSE THAN EVER! Or is it? What would people from Kent State in 1970 say? Or people who marched with Dr. King in 1963. Are things worse? The same? My hunch is they're better, but I've been embarrassingly naive before. I don't live in Aleppo either. I'll admit humanity isn't running low on flaws. I'm afraid we'll always, in some circumstances, treat and govern ourselves poorly. And we keep growing. Over seven billion people now, maybe 10 billion by 2050. What does that do to the world? We'll see. I predict progress, but setbacks too, swings and shiftings; it's never as bad as we think, or as good. The apocalypse will suck, but.... Ah, kidding. In fact, here's a simplification or distillation of how I truly feel, pure, untwistable, ultimately optimistic: I feel lucky to be alive now versus any era previously. I say this considering the safety, well-being, and experiences of M 'n' m and everyone I've shared life with.

So I'm optimistic, even though people and institutions can still be grossly and destructively possessive, greedy, negligent, e.g. ongoing wars, North Korea, starving children, the financial crisis of 2008. Humanity isn't running low on flaws. Will history repeat itself? All the bad things? I hope not, and in the meantime, I root for the good guys, and there are a lot of 'em. We know, in our hearts, who they are; we know what's right; we're just slow or back-and-forth arriving at it. There are good people everywhere; it's always been this way and always will be. That is inspiring.

So what's left to complain about? Lately, for me, it's one of institutions mentioned above, one that has modernized and spread, but also splintered and veered toward a ridiculousness that might, ironically, save us from it, save us from taking it seriously. The media. More Captain Obvious: Humans like to be entertained, informed, and warned. It's evolutionary. We assume the worst and almost crave it in shocking headlines. And news outlets are happy to provide and profit. When I was M 'n' m's age, I thpught the media was a tone-setter and truth-keeper for society. It's never been that exactly, but it isn't now for sure. It's entertainment, propaganda, overdriven by emotion and opinion, incendiary, defamatory, divisive, scary, heavy on commentary, light on facts. I'm afraid they're all paparazzi now, even the anchors; break the story, get the shot, no matter who you trample, tarnish, violate; truth is an afterthought. I hope M 'n' m are wary of how they consume news. These days it feels like 'pick your poison.' They'll probably 'pick' Instagram instead of the networks I'm referring to.

"Thank God the cable-news punditry and the online peanut gallery were on the job 25 hours a day to put vital developments, no matter how trivial, into warped perspective and make matters worse." 
     – James Wolcott

"If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you're misinformed.... We live in a society now where it's just first, who cares, just get (the news) out there, we don't care who it hurts, we don't care who it destroys, we don't care if it's true, just say it, sell it. Anything you practice, you'll get good at, including BS." 
    – Denzel Washington

To me, happiness. And storytelling, profundity, history, human nature, love, wit, art, books.

#342

Michael wore my jeans today. They're snug on his legs, loose at the waist; he doesn't have bird legs like me, popsicle sticks, wine glass stems. The first time he does a squat lift, he'll do more than I ever could. My max, sadly, was something around body weight. This is embarrassing if you've ever been in a gym and seen a barbell, packed with 45 lb plates, bending over a guy's shoulders, as he sinks into a full seated squat, then rises, shakily, grunting and driving until he's standing again. The squat is an exercise for real men (and women). I was more of a 'curls for the girls' kinda guy.

Michael's pants are all at his mother's. It's a challenge for M 'n' m I've mentioned before: children of divorced, custody-sharing parents have two homes, two closets, two dressers; it applies to desks, books, school supplies, shoe and coat racks, sports stuff, music stuff, devices and chargers, you get it. It's a pain in the ass I never had to deal with as a kid, and I'm grateful. Whenever I pick up Michael in the evening, he's in shorts, even in Siberia weather. Whiteout snow, you spit and it freezes before it hits the ground, he doesn't care. I explain to him, sure, the car is warm, but what if we're in an accident? What if we have to exit the vehicle, and stand and wait for authorities, or help other people? My words mean nothing because he's never had a 'surprise' like this. But life is full of surprises. I'll never forget the times I've been unexpectedly scared and freezing. Michael hasn't had any moments like this apparently. I'm afraid we all do, eventually, and we learn. My grandfather was wise; he said, "Those who won't listen, must feel."

As for jokes about 'who wears the pants' when it comes to M 'n' m and me, that's easy: Megan.

Megan runs the show. She tries to anyway. Michael and I are alternately scornful, instructive, or dismissive when she is surly and bossy. I just made it sound like we're all horrible. Well, Megan loves her brother dearly, and I love Megan, and I love Michael too, and the sun still rises and sets and I think we're doing okay. For now.

"If—"

by Nobel Prize winner Rudyard Kipling, written in 1895, my favorite recitation – you can find it on YouTube – was performed by Dennis Hopper on The Johnny Cash show

If you can keep your head when all about you

 Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
  But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
  Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
  And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
  If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
  And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
  Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
  And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make a heap of all your winnings
  And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
  And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
  To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
  Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
  Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
  If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
  With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
  And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

These images don't apply anymore...

... They don't fit. Michael's days of being little are over. Megan is the tallest girl on her basketball team. And yet, pics like this will always work in my mind and memory – cheesily, granted – and I hope they do for my parents, and all parents, forever.

#341

A word on religion. Which feels okay since politics is the real jukebox-kicker right now. Don't mention politics, don't mention politics, don't mention.... I'm warning myself, even though I have no desire. But religion, by comparison, seems very tame right now. Religion? Pffft, borrr-ing. And this is for M 'n' m anyway; to be a parent is to bore your kids with unsolicited info, even your views on religion and spirituality. I think spirituality is important. And fascinating. And healthy; why shouldn't we think about the big picture, the possibilities, the reasons, structures, rituals, feelings? I'm a believer, usually. Usually? Yeah, like Liam Neeson who inspired me today; I just read about him; I have doubtful days (although fewer than he does). Neeson is Irish; he witnessed the 'Troubles,' an ethno-nationalist conflict, they say, not a religious war, although one side was Catholic and the other Protestant. Wars are often religious. And so I struggle, I'm conflicted, when I hear 'God is love' and 'turn the other cheek.' And yet, I'm not afraid of ambiguity, and I do believe that God's ways are not man's ways (paraphrasing the Bible, Isaiah 55) and the fact that Jesus is known for this statement of facing violence with nonviolence... I suppose it's one of many reasons I'm attracted to him and his teaching; it is so radical and not typically human, inclusion and compassion for strangers, outcasts, even enemies. I find Buddhism interesting and inspiring, and Native American belief systems. They are 'religions' inspired by people who wanted to heal, teach, advocate gratitude and personal peace, and alleviate suffering. Sounds good to me. I don't know enough about Hinduism and Islam to comment, but they are certainly big; I've never lived in their cultures and geographies, although I have friends who practice them and I ask questions (respectfully, rarely). Back to Neeson and doubt: he lost his wife suddenly and tragically in a skiing accident. "These days he's not sure he believes in God," an interviewer says of him in Men's Journal. But, from Neeson himself: "I admire people with true faith, like my mother, who's 90 and gets annoyed if she can't walk to Mass Sunday morning. 'Mom, you're 90! It's OK! God will forgive you.'" I agree. I admire the deeply devoted also, the seemingly doubt-impervious; they become faithful and strong people. Several folks in my family never miss weekly services (although who really knows the depth of their faith and reasons for adherence). Regarding doubt and its causes, my grandfather comes to mind. He was a draftee in WWII, where he witnessed – his words now, from a letter – "my buddies getting killed everyday right alongside of me." His unit also liberated Mauthausen-Gusen concentration camp. I can't imagine what he saw, heard, smelled, felt, experienced. Pictures are only pictures. So he lost his appetite for church after the war and I think this is utterly understandable. And yet he was a philosopher, according to his oldest son. Did he still believe in a higher power, a greater force that created and moves the universe; and only found lacking man's attempt to interpret and institutionalize faith, and man's ugly propensity to proselytize and judge? Who knows. And if God is, is God loving or indifferent? I hope M 'n' m have an open, discerning mind, and a faithful, loving heart. And if those things aren't in constant harmony and agreement, and instead M 'n' m have moments of discomfort, doubt, and confusion about spirituality, I guess they'll be like me. I tell myself it's okay if the creator of something like our universe is beyond my comprehension. I don't fully understand physics either, black holes and space-time and shit. I got a B- in Physics 221 at Iowa State. It was effing hard.

Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair. 
     ― G.K. Chesterton

My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness. 
     ― Dalai Lama

When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion. Abraham Lincoln
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/abrahamlin106095.html

When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion.
     ― Abraham Lincoln

Thomas, one of the twelve, wasn't with them when Jesus came. The others kept telling him, "We've seen the Lord!" But Thomas said, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands, and put my finger in the wounds, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe." 
     ― John 20:24-25

I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. 
     ― Doug McLeod 

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. 
     ― Lenny Bruce

In reality, there are as many religions as there are individuals.
     ― Gandhi

And the peace of God, which transcends/surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  
     ― Philippians 4:7

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples.
     ― John 13:34-35

I like to wonder: What if God loves us as much as we love our children? As much as I love M 'n' m? This is a very, very powerful thought, idea, proposition to me, and it makes me think of the lyrics below. Love songs, I get it, but I think of M 'n' m, and others I love:

I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away
     ―Blue October, Calling You

My song is love
My song is love, unknown
But I'm on fire for you, clearly
You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be on your own
     ― Coldplay, A Message

Meg-Pie saw these at Starbucks...

... but I didn't buy her one. I can't afford it. Drinks, okay, but snacks and drinks both? Not at Starbucks; not if M 'n' m want help paying for college.

#340

I think it's important that M 'n' m understand something, a simple concept, but easy to dismiss, easy to ignore. I ignore it sometimes; I forget. We don't see and applaud it like we do outcomes, awards, trophies, the knockout, the finish line. We celebrate victory and celebrity. And I suppose that makes sense. We don't have parades for hard work by itself; not many headlines, posters, championship belts just for effort (although CrossFit and other endurance and strength events come close). So yeah, this 'important something' – as I have so stirringly and ingeniously described it :) – is just really, really hard work. That's it. But it's essential for greatness. And – more importantly, if you can believe it – it leads to fulfillment and self-respect, which, at times, are elusive in life (I've suffered periods without them, at least, chasing, grasping, floundering; but I shouldn't speak for anyone else) ... Man, I'm on a roll! SERMON ALERT! ...

Bluto: ... Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.

So – you could've skipped the first paragraph – what I'm trying to say is:

I think it's important that M 'n' m understand that behind every Lebron, DiCaprio, Jennifer Lawrence, Zuckerberg, Rihanna, whoever impresses us, is a TON of hard work. These people work very, very hard. Hugh Jackman hits the weight room at 4 AM – or some ungodly hour – when filming. Stephen Curry makes hundreds of shots a day. Kobe Bryant routinely came to practice early. Like three hours early. Elon Musk works 100-hour weeks when he has important projects, and he has a lot of important projects. By all accounts, the others I mentioned have unrelenting, tireless, powerful work ethics. I don't mean to plagiarize Gladwell and the ten-thousand-hours camp. I just want M 'n' m to know that superstars work like dogs. They work like dogs, and they suffer countless moments of discomfort, struggle, defeat, drills, repetition, tedium, terror, pressure, and grueling physical challenge. They lose games, bomb auditions, make mistakes, fall, fail, but they earn their place at the top with hours, days, months, years, and decades of getting better, and staying better. They have physical gifts, sure, but we all do; we all have strengths, skills, some piece of ourselves we can push to the highest levels of achievement if we put in the work. Okay, I'm done. What a preachy, eager-beaver, go-get-'em burst of pulpit-pounding today! It's for the kids :) Get out there and kick ass, kids! And remember: hard work is its own reward! (Although, I have trouble mocking any of this, because I know my best days are the busy, grinding, uphill ones that take guts and send me to bed pleasantly exhausted. Maybe I'll have a day like that today.)

According to his teammates, Michael Jordan had a legendary work ethic. The Manning brothers (Peyton an Eli) subjected themselves to extra practice at 4:30 or 5 in the morning, in high school. Aaron Rodgers would show up every morning in his coach's office before class to study offensive and defensive schemes. And Kobe Bryant... whether he was a jerk or not, I don't know, but he was a great basketball player...

"Even more than his prodigious scoring output and crowd-pleasing style, Bryant's most defining trait would come to be a work ethic that seemingly had no off switch." – Dan McCarney, NBA.com

"He was always in the facility by himself, working out in the gym or practicing on the court. He was always the first one to show up. I don't know when he slept. He would call me at 1 or 2 in the morning to go over something and then be at the gym by 5 a.m." – Ronny Turiaf, former teammate of Bryant

"He's in a full sweat 10 minutes before we're supposed to meet and be ready to go. That's when I realized 5:30 a.m. meant 4:45 a.m. with Kobe." – Rasheed Hazzard, former Lakers scout

"I heard one time in a workout that he practiced a shot for an hour. The same shot. For one hour. And it wasn’t like a three-pointer, it was a little shot in the mid-range area. Do you know how tedious that is? Do you know how locked in you have to be to do one shot for an hour? To trick your mind that way? That’s unbelievable." – Jamal Crawford, NBA player, speaking of Bryant

"What do you mean, how do I know? I know because I counted them." – Kobe Bryant, after he told reporters he went spot to spot until he made 400 shots that morning, and they asked how he knew it was 400

"There's a choice that we have to make as people, as individuals. If you want to be great at something, there's a choice you have to make. We all can be masters at our craft, but you have to make a choice." – Kobe Bryant

Megan updated her message on Michael's whiteboard

It's generally some form of adoration like this. Michael's lucky.

#339

Megan's laundry was a pain in the butt today. Everything was inside-out and impossibly twisted; every sock was in a ball, every undie knotted in pantlegs (I assume because they're removed together). I do more unfolding than folding. And I do a lot of folding. Megan helps, but not much. Someday soon, she won't need me for this stuff. I grumble, sure, but when that day comes, I won't be thrilled.

I learned that baldness in Native Americans is rare. I've been touting my Native-American-ness for years now; I think I'm one-sixteenth. Or maybe less. Clearly not enough to dodge alopecia.

We assume our kids can fix simple things. Tighten a screw, patch a hole in the wall, do a little painting. What could go wrong? Well... tools get lost, materials are broken and wasted, paint get spilled and tracked through the house. Murphy's law. That Murphy was a fuckin' genius. It's kind of inspiring actually, the creativity with which things get screwed up. Wow, I would've never thought to do it that way (thereby guaranteeing disaster). We all mess things up when we're kids. We lack experience and attention to detail. So now, as parents, the way I see it: we have no choice but to let our kids do and learn. Start simple, start cheap, be safe, have insurance, hold your breath, pray....

Megan had a basketball game yesterday and wanted to go early – a full hour! – to shoot around. Oh my God, if Meg becomes a gym rat... I will love her even more... which, of course, is impossible; pretty sure the needle swings to max when they're born and never moves. We might think it does, dipping, bouncing, like the needles in Papa's old marantz receiver, but it doesn't move; it's pegged, pinned, permanent. Even Darth Vader's needle wasn't moved by the Emperor and the Dark Side. And everything in life is analogous to something in Star Wars. Duh.

#338

I noticed if I set things on the stairs that belong to the kids – like shoes, books, shit that needs to be put away – it will sit there until the end of the world.

M 'n' m applied for passports. I didn't get one until I was 20; I'm happy they're way ahead. I heard only 36% of Americans have valid passports. I hope that number climbs. I hope it's always easier, cheaper, safer for the next generation to go abroad. I want M 'n' m to see 50 countries. When I was Megan's age, my parents toured Asia (with my Dad's employer). I was impressed. But it was another decade before I left America myself, excluding Niagara Falls, which makes me think of The Breakfast Club and Brian's lie to Bender, "She lives in Canada. I met her at Niagara Falls; you wouldn't know her." ... "Well, in addition to the number of girls in the Niagara Falls area..."

Let's examine, for a minute, the hug. According to family lore, my great-grandma Dora was a bigtime hugger; you couldn't enter or exit her house without one, without a big embrace. They don't make 'em like Grandma Dora anymore; I remember a tenderness, but there was a toughness too; she lost a young son to drowning for one thing; I can't imagine how that affects a mother. And now I suddenly understand why she hugged so much. Wow, writing gives me perspective. Anyway, predictably, Dora's daughter and granddaughter became leading huggers themselves, distinguished and exceptional, which brings us to the grandson, me. I hug M 'n' m a lot. And I'm hardly alone; people in sports, for example, get busy hugging and back-slapping each other all the time. Awesome. Hug it up! Michael's not the most enthusiastic hugger, but he accepts one when I'm proud of him, or happy Iowa State won, or excited there's a new GOT episode. Megan is different. If I outstretch my arms in invitation, she expresses annoyance. I feign hurt. She sighs. Too bad, gimme a hug! I love you! Of course, when she wants money, or help, or permission to do something, well then, different story, she's all about it....

#337

I listened to an interview of Connor McGregor this morning. When asked, "At what age did you realize you were good at fighting?" he said, "I'm Irish, we're all good at fighting." Naturally, this made me think of... Megan. Does her stubbornness, her combativeness, come from her Irish ancestry? (Along with, maybe, her charm?) She likes a melee, especially with me. She can come out swingin'. Only with words, of course. Although, maybe I should put boxing gloves on her and headgear on myself. I'd prefer this to the verbal shots, jabs, complaints.

Meg-Pie was the first at our house to finish Christmas shopping. She made a big list (a Google doc, actually, which they use in school now; what cavemen we were for using loose leaf paper). Then we hit Target, and what was left, ordered online. She quickly had 20 gifts, wrapped and ready. I asked her to wrap some presents for me and she did it cheerfully. I said, "What have you done with Megan?" No, I didn't; I said thank you. Meg has an unselfish, practical streak, and a powerful organizing instinct (not reflected in the rubbish and rubble comprising her room, most days, but still). She's a bit of an artist also, and studios aren't spotless. She's painting on canvas now. It's cool. I really love the shit out of my daughter. Ooh, that's maybe too much, not right, gross... but reminiscent of the days she was small enough to fit on a changing table; that was a cute little Megan.

I read an article about how dads should have a "stern but encouraging paternal hand." Slick writing. Which is my way of deflecting. "Stern" is not a strength. I'm so not stern that this article reminded me of Bronson Alcott, father of the famous Louisa May. (You'll see why I remember him in a second.) Bronson sought to reform schools about 200 years ago. Perhaps his most controversial idea was to have students punish teachers. Yeah. A guilty student, having committed some error or offense, would punish the teacher, who was also to blame for allowing the failure to occur. Or something. A misbehaving child would strike the teacher's hand, for example. Think back to your school days now.... It was supposed to illicit shame in the student. Regardless, I don't wish to disparage Bronson Alcott. He had a special daughter for one thing. He was an abolitionist, an activist for women's rights, and a philosophic, progressive thinker who sought to awaken both the minds and souls of young people. Right on.

#336

Michael shaved. No shit. First time. You turn around one day and they're big. And hairy.

Oh, the ups and downs of parenting.... It's painful when M 'n' m exhibit issues I can see, especially in hindsight, may come from my biology and chemistry, my heredity in other words – oversensitivity, insecurity, anxiety, social unskillfulness, no need to list them all – which compounds my frustration in trying to help them. For example: Megan needs to be more aggressive in sports. She's gifted with athleticism. She needs to care less about appearances, and more about playing with intensity, competing, staying focused. If I sound crazy – there's that synonym for 'parent' again – rest assured I'm not too tough on Meg. Many of you know this. My point, and the part that puts a little zing in the heartache, is that I was the same way, and even today struggle with competitiveness and intensity. Expecting Megan to change overnight is ludicrous. Expecting her to change at all perhaps....

My favorite scene in the movie Forrest Gump is when Jenny shows Forrest a little boy...

Jenny: His name's Forrest.
Forrest: Like me.
J: I named him after his daddy.
F: He got a daddy named Forrest, too?
J: You're his daddy, Forrest.

And then the touching part, Forrest knows what his shortcomings are; his expression changes; he's instantly worried about the obvious...

Forrest: He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen but is he smart or is he...?
Jenny: He's very smart, Forrest. He's one of the smartest in his class.

Some of our flaws flow downstream, so to speak, but not all. This is good. And maybe it would be good if parenting was more like... the army?

Drill Sergeant: Gump! What is your sole purpose in this army?
Forrest Gump: To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant!
DS: God damn it, Gump! You're a god damn genius! This is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard. You must have a goddamn I.Q. of 160. You are goddamn gifted, Private Gump.
F: [narrates] Now for some reason I fit in the army like one of them round pegs. It's not really hard. You just make your bed real neat and remember to stand up straight and always answer every question with "Yes, Drill Sergeant."
DS: ...Is that clear?
F: Yes, Drill Sergeant!

Since I share old, bad notes...

... that I save and find in random places, drawers, piles, wedged in favorite books – I mean notes from Megan like "Daddy, If you don't love me just take me to Mom's and I won't come back" – then I can share nice ones. I like the one below. I preach the shit out of gratitude, and I preach it primarily so they feel better, M 'n' m – though a neat side effect is parental pride – because the science is in; practicing gratitude is loaded with benefits. I know that high-energy, high-achieving people – the sluggers in business and life, the doers, the winners – often have gratitude and optimism rituals, or see the world naturally this way. If you're grateful for the glass and its contents, you probably see it as half full.

I bring my son to work too sometimes

Yep, this little fella's a son and not just a young assistant (at last night's postgame press conference). God I love the Iowa State Cyclones. And it's true that Michael – and Megan – join me at work too, on occasion. They love it. And I love that they love it; I love that they're interested. I love commuting with them, catching trains, walking city streets, sniffing the urban air, feeling tiny among towers and thousands of restaurants, drifting in the bustle and muscle and energy that made a poet think of big shoulders. I love Chicago. And I love Iowa State. And I love M 'n' m. It's just like Tesla told me (the band), "Luuuuu-ooooove is all around you."

Hog Butcher for the World, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat, Player with Railroads and the Nation’s Freight Handler; Stormy, husky, brawling, City of the Big Shoulders: ... Come and show me another city with lifted head singing so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning. Flinging magnetic curses amid the toil of piling job on job, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the little soft cities ... 
     – Carl Sandburg

#335

We put the Christmas decorations away. Now we can be crabby until April. Sub-zero Monday mornings, short days, dirty snow, windchills at negative-absurd, frozen vehicles, dangerous ice on roads and walkways (four people I know have slipped and suffered serious injury in recent years). Chicago winters are pretty good at reminding us we don't live in the Caribbean. But I tell M 'n' m there's no reason to be crabby. "We're very lucky," I preach, "And besides, if you're crabby, you only poison yourself." Then I bitch and moan about something and feel like crap. To be a parent is to be a hypocrite, practiced and unapologetic. "Do as I say, not as I do" is wisdom I received from the Greatest Generation in fact, from my grandfather, so I know it's tried and true.

By the way, I'm not mocking Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's real. I'm not immune. It pulls many of us down and I, for one, have to fight it tooth and nail (or maybe tooth and pill). I badger myself to stay active and positive, and in doing so achieve a kind of normal. I think.

I said to Megan, "Sweetheart, you should cut your toenails more than once a year." She took the hint. They don't look like bear claws anymore.

I read an article about Mark Wahlberg. I'm a fan. He says, "You do things when you're younger that when you become a father make you go, 'Well, I'll have to explain that to the kids.'" Wahlberg and his wife have two boys and two girls ranging from 6 to 12. They don't watch Dad's grownup movies. And Wahlberg says, "We don't give them access to computers and YouTube and Google and all that shit." The moment you realize someone in Hollywood is a better parent than you.

#334

I'm grateful Michael has a cell phone, and I'm grateful for texting. I'm not grateful for the monthly cost, or the expensive devices Michael drops and breaks. But the texting... M 'n' m have just boarded a flight from Kansas City to Chicago. How do I know this? The very same way I'll know instantly when they've landed. Hey, I never said I'm not an anxious person. I was gonna say 'a worrywart crazy mother-f*cker' but that sounds self-critical. I go easy on myself. So now I wait for Michael's "we've landed" text. I know flying is the safest way to travel. I do it myself a bit. But M 'n' m don't fly much, and I've seen 'La Bamba' too many times. I've stayed away from 'Sully,' Denzel Washington's 'Flight,' 'United 93,' and others. Flipping through channels, I stopped on 'Snakes on a Plane' though; there's a limit to my paranoia. I'm just a little crazy, which is the same, to me, as admitting I'm a parent.

Ah, here it is; they're safe:

I need to clean up the language on this blog. Look at all the complaints I'm getting in the comments below (yeah, that's a joke). It's funny, I've used the F-word before, but paired with a 'mother' I felt inclined to buffer it with an asterisk. I was raised right. I do, in fact, have mixed emotions about the pervasiveness of profanity in TV, the media, the workplace. We are funny and crazy, aren't we? Human beings, I mean.

#333 and Happy 2017!

I came home the other day to Michael blasting music in his room. It made me happy. It's just a very teenager thing to do; it felt normal. As a parent, I appreciate normal sometimes. I realize it's a floating concept – what we think of as 'normal' – different for different people, cultures, ages, deluding us in some ways, guiding us in others. Michael hasn't gone off a cliff behaviorally, so his music – even if mildly profane, loud, annoying – is fine. Our shared future will involve cliches and surprises both. I know this. Lets hope the 'normal' and the pleasant outnumber the unpleasant.

My daughter has a flatulence problem, or, stated in a positive way, she is exceptional at 'accumulating and expelling intestinal gas.' (I like definitions and dictionaries.) This will sound sexist, but I always thought my son would be the household champion, not my daughter.

Megan asked me, "Can I see your bald spot?" I tilted my head so she could see it. She said, "It's not getting any smaller, Dad." I know, Honey, thank you. I'm not sure if she was being sympathetic or being a smartass. Sarcasm: not my favorite. I think it was sympathy. Or pity. Pretty sure Meg knows it'll take pills or surgery to reforest my head at this point. Spring has passed; there won't be another (on my scalp), but I still have loyal follicles, many, and I salute them!

Does Rogaine make you eyebrows go gangbusters? What about hair in your ears? I'm just wondering for a friend of mine that uses it...

"It was like the army: Be careful, find a cool dry place to stash your mind, and hang on until it was over. Except, of course... it never would be over. You never would get through to the end of being a father, no matter where you stored your mind or how many steps in the series you followed. Not even if you died. Alive or dead or a thousand miles distant, you were always going to be on the hook for work that was neither a procedure nor a series of steps but, rather, something that demanded your full, constant attention without necessarily calling on you to do, perform, or say anything at all.... Fathering imposed an obligation that was more than your money, your body, or your time, a presence neither physical nor measurable by clocks: open-ended, eternal, and invisible, like the commitment of gravity to the stars." 
     – Michael Chabon, Telegraph Avenue

"Everybody knows their mother loves them unconditionally, but fathers have to say it out loud I think."
      – Marnie, The Meddler

"She's a good girl. Good kids don't get that way by accident."
      – Einar, An Unfinished Life

"Having a baby, it's massive, and on a very unexpected level. Suddenly I understood my parents much more profoundly than I ever had before."
      – Benedict Cumberbatch

HAPPY NEW YEAR! All the best to you and yours in 2017!

Merry Christmas!

This pic is a few years old but a good one!

This is the kind of BS...

... I put on Michael's whiteboard. But I don't think it's BS; I need it, and maybe Michael does too. A little mental toughness goes a long way in life. And here's a trace of the sweet messages Megan leaves for her brother. Megan can be a pill, crabby and pissed off at everything, but she always thinks of her brother; her affection for him is vehement. It's remarkable, powerful and I fucking love it. I'm grateful. Because I give myself exactly zero credit for the intensity of it in a positive sense. It's the challenges, tough times, tragedies that often really teach us love. Following the divorce, when Meg was too little to understand it really, Michael was her only ever-present person, a nearby heartbeat that wasn't, suddenly, somewhere else three or four nights a week; Michael was her rock. She won't forget that and neither will I. Now, enough with the mush, what was I saying about Michael's whiteboard and Conor McGregor and mental toughness...

If I had a time machine...

... I'd go back and visit this version of Meg-Pie (below). Even before I went to see Jackie Robinson play ball, and Roberto Clemente, and tried to catch a glimpse of Crazy Horse, the warrior-mystic, although that could be dangerous; I hear Crazy Horse was strange. But who isn't? It's fun to hit a game or a concert, or see someone 'famous,' but those we truly love the most, family and friends, can be close to us always, physically near or a video-chat away, or recalled in warm, vivid memories, vivid and real because we were there, because we live our lives with them, our 'most importants.' We're all famous to someone. We're very lucky. Amen.

On Parental Control...

... from actress Pamela Adlon, paraphrasing: "My daughter watches The Bachelorette and I watch it with her, which feels really dirty and bad and awful, like I'm watching porn with my 13-year-old. But we can't monitor what kids watch anymore. Parents are in a lot of denial: 'My kid's not on the internet.' Really? Well you're a fucking idiot, because kids are watching ISIS behead people on cell phones. So I tell my daughter, 'It's all out there, and it's your choice, but I'm telling you if you see certain things, it will stay with you. You can't un-see it.'"

I tend to agree. I know with any mischievousness and ingenuity whatsoever – and even the angelic ones have that – kids can pretty much see anything online. Obscene, gruesome, you name it. It's scary. It's alarming for me as a parent, and I don't have a meaningful reference point from my youth; we had dirty magazines and videos, and I saw some, but inappropriate content wasn't accessible on devices all around me via cloud or online galleries and websites. Even the niftiest parental controls are pointless when they're teenagers. So I'm trying two things: 1) I talk to Michael about respect, decency, reality, integrity, character, and 2) I give Michael the warning from Pamela Adlon above, and I add: You have to police yourself at times, be your own filter; you know what's right. Take care of your mind. Guard it; protect it; it sounds corny but it's true. What you put on the 'movie screen' in your head, and then into your rushing, repeating thought-stream, can be very good or very bad for you; your thoughts are impactful; they're sensitive; they're nearly everything that's you, this can't be overstated. Nobody's perfect, but don't be a dirtbag. Maybe I should revise that last sentence?  

#332

M 'n' m and I have a new habit: stand-up comedy in the car. YouTube over bluetooth and voila! my minivan is a comedy club. The hard part, of course, is cleanliness. Clean comedy isn't diamond-rare; it's like bigfoot-rare. (Although, there are 75 TV shows now about finding Bigfoot, Sasquatch, killer Russian Yetis, whatever.) Jim Gaffigan is pretty clean and funny. Also Kevin James, Jeff Foxworthy; thank you guys. Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, off limits. No surprise. Louis C.K., Sarah Silverman, Amy Schumer would all teach M 'n' m things I don't want taught. Ever. Dave Chappelle is a genius, but he's on hold too. Another place I go for humor is The Onion. It's often offensive, cynical, crass – so pretty much like everything else in comedy, not for mushy, young minds like M 'n' m's – but it can be hilarious, even if scathing, and many articles apropos to fatherhood. Some favorite Onion headlines:
  
Miracle Of Birth Occurs For 83 Billionth Time

Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music

Reality Of Fatherhood Never Truly Dawned On Man Until He Held Newborn Son’s Hospital Bill

New Parents Wisely Start College Fund That Will Pay For 2 Weeks Of Education 

Third-Grader Clearly Biting Off More Than He Can Chew At Elementary School Book Fair

Parents Wish Weak-Willed Daughter Would Push Back Against Violin Lessons Just A Little

Failure To Get Into Private College Could Be Most Financially Responsible Act Of 17-Year-Old’s Life

Man Makes Quick Call To Parents So Next Week’s Call To Ask For Money Doesn’t Seem That Bad

Pair Of 26-Year-Olds Hit It Off After Learning They Have Massive Student Loans From Same Bank

Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence

Family Watching Movie White-Knuckles It Through Unexpected Sex Scene

Posters of Naked Women Fail To Draw Real Naked Women To Dorm Room

War On String May Be Unwinnable, Says Cat General

Report: Bananas Still Most Popular Fruit For Pretending To Receive Phone Call

Man Doing What He Loves for a Living Needs to Borrow 50 Bucks

Renamed Arena Will Always Be Verizon Wireless Amphitheater To Locals

Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business

Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows to Unleash Tranquility on West

Matt Damon Mans Warner Brothers Booth At College Campus’s Career Day

Apartment Broker Recommends Brooklyn Residents Spend No More Than 150% Of Income On Rent

Study Finds 68% Of Americans Unprepared For Financial Stability

HR Director Reminds Employees That Any Crying Done At Office Must Be Work-Related

Sean Penn Demands To Know What Asshole Took SeanPenn@gmail.com

Shaq misses entire second half with pulled pork sandwich

Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality

Gang members don't have the heart to tell police informant his cover is blown

Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit

New Dog Digs Up Old Dog

Free-Thinking Cat Shits Outside The Box

Archeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race of Skeleton People

Ground Still Least Desirable Surface For Breaking Fall, Study Says

Economically Healthy 'Daily Planet' Now Most Unrealistic Part Of Superman Universe

New Study Recommends Insects Spend At Least 30 Minutes Skittering Per Day

Report: Most Americans Have Enough Saved For Retirement To Live Comfortably On Streets

Accidentally Closing Browser Window With 23 Tabs Open Presents Rare Chance At New Life

#331

I try to write funny shit here, and I'll try again, hopelessly, in a second, but first, a serious comment. serious [seer-ee-uh-s] 1. characterized by deep thought. 2. of grave or somber disposition. (I enjoy definitions, and synonyms, and coffee.) So 2 fits, somber and grave. My comment: Christmas decorations make me sad. But only briefly, and only exterior things, outdoor lights and sleighs, reindeer, North Pole signs, big plastic candy canes and Santas. My thoughts turn to my father and his father (M 'n' m's great-grandpa), both exterior illuminators of renown – think Clark Griswold with the antics but less megawattage, but only a little less. Inevitably, this reminds me of my father's eulogy of his father. There is no word for it other than perfect. The reminiscence, affection, and humor were flawless. Then I wonder if Michael will eulogize me someday. If so, Michael, no pressure, but when your namesake did it, he hit it outta the park.

Michael could win a gold medal in sleeping. Although, most teenagers are likely the same. I was a world champion myself at that age. Uncle Bill called me Rip Van Winkle. How long did Rip sleep; I can't remember? How did we live before Wikipedia was only a tap away? Washington Irving – he of the Headless Horseman and Sleepy Hollow mind, also – wrote the tale about 200 years ago. But Rip, it seems, only napped for 20 years. This is the sweet part: Rip, at the end of the story, much older now of course, with a long beard and a rusty musket, is recognized by his daughter. His Megan! She takes him in and he lives happily ever after. Awesome. My new favorite story. Ranks with Gladiator, 300, The Revenant, and Rocky II.

The Selfie Generation. At least she included me in a couple.