Stuff About Things #22

From Mark Oppenheimer, father of four children under age seven: "Those who do have four children are presumed to be very religious or not very educated or both. My wife and I are but a little religious, super-duper educated, and just love children.... The writers Michael Chabon and Ayelet Waldman, who are married to each other, have four children. So does the psychologist and author Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness.... John Updike had four children (but he and his wife then divorced, so, you know, asterisk).... I am very mindful that many people want more children than they have but have been unable to have them. My wife and I talk about our good fortune almost daily.... I know what you are thinking. Yes, this was indeed the plan. The first time we met, my wife and I discussed the fact that we both wanted four children someday.... My wife is one of two children, and they grew up in a small apartment. Her visions of larger families came from books, which she read by the dozen in the bedroom she shared with her older sister.... I come from a family of four siblings, three boys and a girl. We were usually happy, not always (what family is?). But I don’t think any of us believes that he or she would have been happier with fewer siblings.... Several times someone has said something like, “Four! Oh my God, that’s insane!” – and then quickly apologized. But I like that reaction. I’m 39 years old now, too old to be special in much. It’s all downhill for my tennis game, for my eyesight, for my memory. Number of children is still something I can win at.... I hear that Italians and Spanish and Germans and Japanese are all having 1.2 children or something like that. They are becoming countries of old people. If you don’t think that’s sad, you’re some sort of zealot. What kind, I am not yet sure. I’ll let you know when I meet you.... Yes, I worry about the environmental cost. But not as much as I should. I justify my actions by saying that the next Oppenheimer may be the one to find an antidote to climate change.... I do think that more people should have four children. But I also think more people should have zero. Those who wants lots of children or none are equally tyrannized by the reign of the two-or-three-child norm.... You know how, when you’re driving, everyone going faster than you is an asshole, and everyone slower is an idiot? For me, family size is like that. Parents with more children are insane, parents with fewer are pussies. I am aware that those with more or fewer children than my wife and I have may feel the exact same way about us.... I am very, very tired. But not as tired as my wife..."

     — Mark Oppenheimer, writer

"I have concluded that we are in a world made by rules created by an intelligence. To me it is clear that we exist in a plan which is governed by rules that were created, shaped by a universal intelligence and not by chance."
     — Michio Kaku, world-famous physicist

"Be polite, on time, and work really fucking hard until you are talented enough to be blunt, a little late, and take vacations and even then... be polite."
     — Ashton Kutcher

From Mike Rowe, famous for Dirty Jobs and other TV shows, in response to being complimented on his impressive vocabulary: "I read a lot.... I just think there's something really elegant, and maybe indulgent, about finding a different way to say a thing. And so, I think, often in an attempt to turn a phrase, I'll play with the language a lot, and stumble across words I wouldn't ordinarily use. Look, I've read Elmore Leonard and Hemingway and understand how important it is to be simple and brief, which is why I think it's a little indulgent to go the other way, but I do. I think the lexicon is extraordinary."

"Your secret was as quiet as the thunder."
     — Cochise

"To talk of it is not hard. To live it is hard."
     — Cochise

"If a big wind comes, a tree must bend, or be lifted out by its roots."
     — Cochise

"Let there be such oneness between us that when one cries, the other tastes salt." 
     — Rosabelle Believe

"Now you hold that boy and tell him you love him.... No, old man, say it like you mean it.... I ain't a good man, ain't the worst neither, just a different breed.... Say it, Mack, don't cost nothin'.... God, that's beautiful."
     — Butch Haynes, played by Kevin Costner, A Perfect World

"Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves."
     — Nathaniel Branden

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
     — Anaïs Nin

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect. 
     — Anaïs Nin

"The early yogis were really psychologists. They were interested not in dogma, but in the way things work. How do perception and delusion work? What causes suffering? How can we see clearly? The system they devised is way more sophisticated that anything we have in the West."
     — Stephen Cope, author of The Wisdom of Yoga

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.... Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.... Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you'll be criticized anyway.... With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.... No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.... The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience."
     — Eleanor Roosevelt

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
     — Franklin D. Roosevelt
 
"Our fears run broad and deep, and are every bit as diverse as we are. The 2017 version of Chapman University’s Survey of American Fears tabbed “corruption of government officials” as the most common fear, afflicting nearly 75 percent of respondents; concerns about the health-care system, the environment, personal finance, and war also figured in the top 10. Such spine-tingling triggers as public speaking and enclosed spaces landed in the bottom half of the 80 fears polled; clowns were slightly more scary than zombies, who were only slightly more scary than ghosts.... In the wake of 9/11, airplane ridership plummeted in the United States as many people opted to travel by car. A German psychologist estimated that in the 12 months following the attacks, 1,595 more people were killed in car accidents than would be expected in an ordinary year. That’s more than six times the number of passengers (246) who died on the four hijacked airplanes."
     — Ben Healy, The Atlantic

"It was early in the morning, the sun was just coming up, and this lioness is out with a fresh buffalo kill, calling for her cubs. We were 15 yards away, and I'm just looking at it like, 'This is why I play football.' (Such worldly sentiments are rare among his fellow NFL players.) When I first started traveling, everybody was like, 'Oh, it's weird, dude. Why are you out there doing this?' Well, I think it's weird if you have endless resources and the only place you go is Las Vegas or South Beach. To me, that's asinine."
     — Deandre Levy, from Men's Journal magazine

"This may not surprise anyone aged 18-34 but according to US Census data, if you're in that age bracket, your life differs wildly from your parents. Gone are the steady jobs and home ownership of yore. Gone too is married life – more 18-34 year-olds live with their parents than with a spouse.... about a third of millennials still live at home with their parents.... Last year, research found it was the most common living arrangement for young adults – for the first time in 130 years."
     — BBC, April 2017

Elena Herdieckerhoff: The Gentle Power of Highly Sensitive People

This is quoted entirely from Elena Herdieckerhoff; I couldn't see how to condense or omit any of it; it's perfect; it's important; it informs, right or wrong, how I parent M 'n' m, how I coach, and maybe how I try to understand some of my own problems, shortcomings, and disappointments. Children, by nature, are very sensitive, and I think that changes in us less than we think it does, as we crash into adulthood and careen through life...

Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) are like everyone else except that they experience the world in a more vivid way. And if you think that all HSPs are alike, that is not true; no two HSPs are the same. Every HSP has their own unique sensitive fingerprint alongside other identity markers like gender, ethnicity, and cultural and personal background.

I would also like to point out that being an HSP is not an illness, and it is also not a choice. It is a genetic trait. We are essentially born to be mild. Every time you tell an HSP they are 'too sensitive', it’s like telling someone with blue eyes that their eyes are too blue. Chances are, no matter how often you tell them, you’ll still have the same blue eyes looking back at you.

As a society, we have come to think of sensitivity as a flaw; an unfortunate, emotional Achilles heel, that tempers with our ability to become ever more optimized, detached, and robotic. We all too readily belittle the idealists, the dreamers, and the creators. This was, however, not always the case.

In previous centuries, philanthropists, philosophers, poets, artists, and painters were all venerated for their sensitive contribution to society. Who would we be without Leonardo da Vinci or without a Mozart? Without Anaïs Nin or Balzac? Or Mother Teresa or Gandhi? Our world would certainly be a shade darker.

Now, I’m not suggesting that all HSPs are geniuses that shaped the world. But, most HSPs have a genuine urge to create connection and meaning. Because they feel every pain they see, they want to elevate the forgotten and save the misfortunate. When HSPs try to hide their sensitivity to fit in, we all lose. For would a society not be poorer that lacks the beating heart of sensitive creation? That discredits imagination, intuition, and empathy? I believe so. That is why I think we need to urgently start to accept and appreciate sensitivity for the temperature regulating effect it has on an often hot headed world.

I believe we’re all sensitive to different degrees and in different ways. HSPs are simply at the far end of the spectrum. That is why how we think and talk about sensitivity concerns all of us. We need to come together as a society to rewrite the negative cultural narrative about sensitivity, and turn it into a positive one. We need to erase the notion that sensitivity is a weakness to finally benefit from its many strengths. By doing so, we will create an environment where everybody is safe to express their softer side, not just HSPs.

How can we go back to creating more positive awareness and acceptance for sensitivity? On a public level, I believe the two most urgent changes need to happen in schools and in the workplaces. In schools, we need to better train our teachers to recognize and understand sensitive children. And for parents and teachers alike, the often well-meant desire to toughen them up, to survive in the big, mean world out there, needs to stop. We should not try to force sheep into wolves’ clothing.

On a corporate level, the system is set up to favor those with steel elbows. Because sensitive people typically are more soft spoken and co-operative instead of competitive, they often get left behind on the corporate ladder. To change this, we need to create an environment where all personality types can flourish, and not just a select few. That is why I believe, for corporations, it is in their own best interest to invite sensitive people to the table. Because without sensitives they risk lacking innovation, integrity, and ultimately, humanity.

On a personal level, we can all make an impact simply by refraining from judging the delicate difference of the sensitives around us. The next time you feel like telling someone, 'You’re too sensitive!' I would ask you to stop and pause. Fill that pause with understanding. You will see that the simple act of acceptance will uplift both of you.

To my fellow HSPs, I say: Take heart and be unashamedly yourselves. Stop trying to toughen up. Stop hiding; you’re beautiful as you are. Don’t feel weird, because it’s not you who can be considered wrong but rather a world in which corruption, violence, and greed are the norm. As Krishnamurti said, 'It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.'

When I was a little girl, I loved chasing butterflies in our garden and I admired their fragile beauty. I felt a deep urge to protect them, so I decided to trap them in little mason jars filled with grass and flowers, to keep them safe with me in my room. I quickly understood: butterflies do not like captivity. This made me understand: they did not need to be rescued, their colorful contribution to the natural ecosystem was exactly as it should be. Similarly, HSPs should not hide away from the pain of this world in a protective incubator. It is their role to step up and share their sensitive gifts with all of us. I believe, as humans, we are all united by our experience of sensitivity and empathy. Also I don’t believe you need to be an HSP to care and to make a difference. We are facing grave political, cultural, and environmental problems today. Now, more than ever, we need the contribution of sensitive minds and hearts to pave a path for the troubled times ahead. The more we all allow ourselves to connect to our innate sensitive gifts, the more we can heal ourselves and the planet we live on. Inspired by John Lennon who perhaps wrote the biggest sensitivity anthem of all times with 'Imagine', let me close by saying: Please, don’t tell me I’m a dreamer, for I know I’m not the only sensitive one. Have faith that you’ll join hands with me to make this world a gentler one."

     — Elena Herdieckerhoff:

Retro M 'n' m – 2007 – #2

Friday, September 07, 2007

Megan was feverish yesterday; she's getting her molars or maybe a little illness. Fevers subdue her. She slows, softens; she's very snugly. It's heaven. I hold her and she settles, sighs, loosely grabs my shirt with her little fingers. Or I take her entire hand in the palm of mine, or both of her hands in one of mine. She is small. I love her.

Michael likes 'The Crocodile Hunter.' It's an energetic show and Michael absorbs it, watching, imitating, running "like a cheetah," attacking "like a lion," wrestling pillows "into a death roll like a crocodile." But Michael's favorite animal is the orca. I didn't know killer whales are called orcas. Michael teaches me things.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Michael looked up from a book about whales and told me that orcas fight bears. He said orcas win because they are more "bitery." Phonetically, that's "bite-er-ee" and Michael clarified for me, "It's like the word bite, Daddy." Thanks, Bud. He must've sensed it's not a common word or a word at all. There's a feeling-out process with new language, and I love observing it with Michael. He speaks with authority, even as he's learning. He's expressive and clear and unafraid of errors. Good. I don't correct him much, unless he asks for help or is wildly unclear; I have a powerful instinct not to stifle his creativity and eagerness to share. He'll be challenged and corrected a million times in life, no need to rush. As for orcas and bears, they simply aren't in the same weight class. Male orcas can weigh over six tons. They can eat 500 lbs of food a day. And yes, they will, though rarely, take polar bears as prey. Wow. By the way, did you know that a blue whale's heart is the size of a car, and capable of pumping 60 gallons of blood per minute. Nature is amazing. Michael knows this, and I'm grateful he's reminding me.

Megan has a baby. She calls it "dollie." She wraps dollie in a blanket, holds her, rocks her, feeds her a bottle. She says "dollie" in her sweet, soft voice. Then she gets bored or flustered and drops dollie on her head on the hardwood floor.

Thursday, October 09, 2007

Megan practiced a valuable skill yesterday. All day long. Putting on shoes. And taking them off. She put 'em on, took 'em off, on, off, on, off. Her patent leather shoes, too. Fancy. Makes sense; women love flashy shoes. This pair is toddler-small and to-die-for cute, but as shiny as any pair ever made, ever polished, and Megan was intent on mastering the method to wear them. For the record, I know men who love shoes as much as any woman; Papa Mike's no slouch – his shoe rack is full and often restocked – and I love a nice pair myself (but at a DSW discount). We need baseball cleats, hunting boots, golf shoes, running shoes. But women also have heels, flats, pumps, platforms, straps, ties, bows, buckles, wedges, high boots, low boots, boat shoes, sandals, slip-ons, slides, espadrilles, and clogs. (How'd I do?) I'm not even sure what some of those are, but I've heard them mentioned. And there's one variety I forgot: Velcro. Meggie's shiny shoes have Velcro straps which, indeed, she mastered in a day. Good job, Megs.

I came home from my softball game just before the kids' bedtime. Michael, freshly-bathed and jammied-up (as in P-jammied-up, not constipated, although that's no joke with Megan; we've tried everything but coffee and cigarettes) greeted me at the door. He noticed it was dusk and said, "Daddy, can I come outside and see the darkness?" Michael goes to bed all summer before sundown. Being outdoors at night in warm, wonderful air is novel to him. Especially in the fall, when it's been months since the early sunsets of the previous winter. Michael's only four; he hasn't experienced many seasonal transitions. I reminded myself of this and smiled. Then we went outside. We admired the moon, the stars, and the lights of several airplanes approaching or leaving O'Hare. Michael commented on a high American flag spotlit and glowing at our neighborhood's entrance. And he enjoyed padding through some shadowy, lush, cool grass with his bare feet. Simple pleasures and amazements abound.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Michael asked if they make "small wetsuits, like wetsuits for kids." Michael asks good questions for a four-year-old. These days, he wants to be a marine biologist. Back-burnered are his dreams of driving a train or a racecar. He told me he would like to "swim with cetaceans." I said, "Sure, Buddy," then I had to look up "cetacean." So they're marine mammals of the order including whales, dolphins, and porpoises. I guess if he said "swim with whales" he wouldn't have included dolphins, and vice versa. Okay, smartypants. Of course, I love Michael's curiosity, vocabulary, and unfurling intellect.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Megan is a chatterbox now. This is good; she was a bit language delayed compared to her brother, although her brother is very loquacious and maybe not a fair standard-setter for comparison. Whatever the case, Megan can complain and fuss and harrumph more clearly now, thankfully, because nothing is more annoying that a grumbler who can't be understood! And when she says sweet things, like "Hi Daddy" or "Bye Daddy" or "Daddy hold you" or "Daddy hep" or "Pees Daddy" or "Daddy, pees hep" or "Daddy, fix it" – when a toy comes apart, for example – my heart swells and threatens to explode.

It's cute that Megan likes certain themes and characters that were formerly favorites of Michael's. Thomas and Percy are making a comeback; Lightning McQueen is popular again. Whales, dinosaurs, musical instruments, Legos, woo-hoo! Megan would be the perfect daughter except for some unpleasant crabbiness and a strong, insulting preference for Mommy. I am, as they say, chopped liver.

Megan is a resourceful little thing. Yesterday, I brought a chocolate shake home for M 'n' m to share. I offered Megan some. She loved it, and would've drained the whole thing, but I saved her from a crippling brain freeze and took it away again. She protested as I set it on the counter out of her reach. I turned to look for Michael but he wasn't there. I expected Megan to continue protesting – teased by the ungettable, heavenly treat overhead – but she was suddenly quiet and self-possessed, like she was thinking. Well, she was thinking. She waddled over to her step-stool by the fridge, dragged it to a spot beneath the shake, climbed aboard, stood up, and reached for the cup. She could touch it, but barely; she couldn't move or grab it. I watched her stretch and struggle and try, and then realized she might tumble off the stool if I didn't intervene. I intervened. I gave her another sip.

#397

I'm going to get cynical for a moment, which I hate to do, because cynicism is easy, lazy, and unbecoming. So please excuse me, and excuse this, and mistrust it accordingly, as you should any crabby accusation; I mean my just-stated cynical opinion about cynical opinions, and also the following: Impartiality, factuality, and objectivity in 'news reporting' is about as dead as altruism in politics. And it kind of annoys the shit out of me. I feel like when I was a kid, morning newspapers and the 'nightly news' put forth at least some information commonly agreed upon, even by opposing sides, as factual. Entertainment, extremism, presumption, profit, and outright bullshit were creeping into news reporting, but they hadn't taken over. They've taken over now. It's all tabloid. It's funhouse mirrors and Snapchat filters. It's obnoxious distortion. Utterly, shamelessly, and it sucks (even if our politicians deserve it). Other indecencies, for some reason, annoy me less. Maybe because they aren't masquerading as public service institutions; I think some journalists still believe they're 'informing' us. Cue the laugh track. Thankfully, M 'n' m already know the news media isn't seeking to arm and protect them with information. It isn't seeking to enlighten. It wants their eyeballs for ratings and ad revenue. Period. And it does this by stirring up controversy, conspiracy, fear, hate. Sadly, that grabs more eyeballs than good news. It's an evolutionary / survival thing. I think it's shitty to do this for staggering profit, which is then given to prostituting politicians, among other ill uses, but oh well. Whiners never win, and I am whining. M 'n' m don't read or watch 'news' anyway. They read what they're assigned in school, and they watch YouTubers, hip-hop artists, Fortnite clips (Michael), how-to-make-slime videos (Megan), horror movie trailers (Michael), and so on.

Now, let's talk about something happy, rosy, like springtime or puppies. Here's something: Megan found a baby racoon yesterday. It's eyes were still closed, and limbs curled and unlengthened; it was a newborn. Fuzzy, exposed, abandoned (I think Mama would've come hissing otherwise). It's nose and eyes were cutely colored and ringed like you'd expect, but not as distinct as they will be in adulthood. I thought of my favorite Beatles song. I recalled how raccoons can be fierce fighters. (I've seen it in Iowa, pheasant hunting, when dogs poke their snouts into raccoon nests, typically well-hidden in creek beds but olfactorily obvious to canines, who don't appreciate being swatted and sliced, on the nose of all places, by little razor-tipped hands out of nowhere; raccoons have hands, not paws, in my inexpert opinion. Then a loud and bloody brouhaha ensues, until it's interrupted, after which a louder and bloodier brouhaha ensues, but this time with humans and possibly more dogs getting all they can handle from a single, smaller, but ferociously committed, opponent. It's a mess.) And I recalled how raccoons are comedic actors (see John Candy and Dan Akroyd's The Great Outdoors). Megan's furry baby was safely delivered to a 'raccoon specialist.' I don't know what that means either. Raised and returned to the wild? But then it won't be 'wild' anymore. Oh brother. See, it's hard being a parent, caretaker, rescuer, foster-parent, or any such thing. Every decision can be second-guessed, picked apart, blamed for everything that happens, might happen, or won't happen but was ignited by thought anyway, and will now stressfully burn and spread like a wildfire. But this was supposed to be the happy paragraph. Well, I'm on a metra train in Chicago as I write this, and outside my window the sun is beaming off the glass towers and it's 74 degrees. As Megan likes to say, and I do too, Yay! 

Stuff About Things #21

"The only thing I know is that I don't know shit, but I am committed to growing."
     — Jake Arrieta 

"Don't believe everything you think."
     — well-known Buddhist saying

"Nurture your minds with great thoughts. To believe in the heroic makes heroes."

     — Benjamin Disraeli

"What we dwell on is who we become."
     — Oprah Winfrey 

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."

     — Benjamin Disraeli

"Only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking."
     — Audre Lorde

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."
     — Anne Morriss, Starbucks customer, published on the side of a Grande Caramel Macchiato

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is more people to come alive."
     — Howard Thurman, author

"The teachings are always available, like a radio signal in the air. But a student needs to learn how to tune into that signal, and how to stay tuned in."
     — Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche

"Our whole job is to relate to people."
     — Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche

"Kid, you had a rough day. Everyone has them. And when you do – do what I do – you ask yourself: Anybody's life better because of what I did today? If the answer's yes... then stop your whining. If not, well, do better tomorrow."
     — Nick Fury, comic-book character

"Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth."
     — Muhammad Ali

"There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant."
     — Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Fear is a friend of exceptional people."
     — Cus D'Amato

"The key to a great life is simply having a bunch of great days. So you can think about it one day at a time."
     — Mr. Money Mustache

"If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly."
     — Colonel David Hackworth 

"Be harsh with yourself at times."

     — Seneca

"Words are like seeds. When you speak something out, you give life to what you're saying.... Choose to be positive.... Stay positive.... Think on the positive things.... You can change your world by changing your words.... Don't waste a minute being negative.... Positive people have made up their minds to enjoy life. They focus on the possibility, not the problem.... Be thankful.... Don't focus on what's wrong.... Rise up and move forward.... The forces that are for you are greater than the forces that are against you.... No one can offend you without your permission.... You're not defined by your past, you're prepared by it.... You only have so much emotional energy each day. Don't fight battles that don't matter.... Some of my enemies, I feel like I need to write them a check, if they hadn't been against me, I wouldn't be where I am today.... There are some things you can only learn in a storm.... God did not make you to be average, to be ordinary, to just get by.... Focus on your faith, let God deal with your fear."
     — Joel Osteen

"You're only 19, you know 19 things. I'm 48, I know 48 things."
     — Gloria Estefan's mom, Gloria Fajardo, On Your Feet!

"Only boring people get bored."
     — Ruth Burke

"The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page."
     — Augustinus, aka St. Augustine

"Miracles are not contrary to nature, but only contrary to what we know about nature."
     — Augustinus

"God judged it better to bring good out of evil than to suffer no evil to exist."
     — Augustinus

"Read, read, read. Read everything – trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You'll absorb it. Then write. If it's good, you'll find out. If it's not, throw it out the window."
     — William Faulkner

"The only way to avoid pissing people off is to do nothing important." 
     — Oliver Emberton

"You have enemies? Good. It is the story of everyone who has done a great deed or created a new idea.... Do not bother yourself about it.... Keep your mind serene as you keep your life clear.... Do not give your enemies the satisfaction of thinking that they cause you grief or pain. Be happy, be cheerful...."
     — Victor Hugo

"It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons."

    — Johann Friedrich von Schiller, a German poet, philosopher, physician, historian, playwright, and friend of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I haven't had time...

... to write lately. Girls softball season is underway. Three games this week. I love coaching and watching Megan and her teammates play. So, for now, enjoy the genius David Foster Wallace, from his collection of essays and arguments "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again." This is just beautiful and brilliant and the kind of unspun, honest observation I like Wallace for, whether his words comfort or discomfort me; generally they do both:

"What he says aloud is understandable, but it's not the marvelous part. The marvelous part is the way (Michael) Joyce's face looks when he talks about what tennis means to him. He loves it; you can see this in his face when he talks about it; his eyes normally have a kind of Asiatic cast because of the slight epicanthic fold common to ethnic Irishmen, but when he speaks of tennis and his career the eyes get round and the pupils dilate and the look in them is one of love. The love is not the love one feels for a job or a lover or any of the loci of intensity that most of us choose to say we love. It's the sort of love you see in the eyes of really old people who've been happily married for an incredibly long time, or in religious people who are so religious they've devoted their lives to religious stuff: it's the sort of love whose measure is what it has cost, what one's given up for it. Whether there's 'choice' involved is, at a certain point, of no interest... since it's the very surrender of choice and self that informs the love in the first place."
     — David Foster Wallace

#396

Michael is a musician. Five years of orchestra and two instruments – cello and upright bass – have built his chops, and the music programs at his high school are terrific, the bands, orchestras, choirs, musicals. He'll continue with orchestra – I assume, because he says so and he likes it – but he has a third instrument now. We were at a store called 'The Music Room' and he picked up a bass guitar, plugged into an amp, and began playing scales. I said, "You should have one." He nodded.

I'm a fan of the bass guitarist Flea (Red Hot Chili Peppers). I forwarded Michael a few YouTube links. Also James Jamerson, Paul McCartney, John Paul Jones. That reminds me: Michael needs a stage name! Maybe the Gods of Rock will whisper it to him, and anoint him, and he shall rock-'n'-roll on earth and in the halls of Valhalla forever, amen. Sure, but the big thing for me: If learning and playing music put him in the zone, make time and pressure disappear, and inspire him to create, I support him one-thousand percent.

My wallet doesn't enjoy parenting as much as my heart and soul do. But who cares. I read a magazine article years ago, before M 'n' m, that put a dollar amount on the total cost of raising a child. It was a big number. I understood the number was variable, but the message was clear. I mentioned it to my dad at the time; I was an adult but not yet a parent. I said "Thank you" and also some version of, "Geez, sorry dude, that's an eye-popping, painful amount of money." My dad was amused and said, "I got a lot out of it too you know." Yes, now I know.

So Michael is playing high school baseball, club soccer, and learning a third instrument. He's busy but he seems happy and energized; his grades haven't suffered; his mood hasn't suffered. I think it's all good. I know burnout can happen, and we talk about kids being over-scheduled, but I think high-schoolers have always been busy, they should be busy, they're built for busy, whether working, studying, practicing, performing, competing, creating, exploring, caring for siblings or others. Michael does hours and hours of homework also, but he doesn't complain. I despise hypocrisy and I don't think I'm guilty of it here; my high school friends and I played multiple sports, did extra activities at school or at church or with our families, and we did mountains of homework too. So there! Of course, I know times change. I know high school was 25 years ago for me. I try to dialogue with Michael a lot. Which can be like pulling teeth. He's a teenager. One-word answers, one after another. Oh well. I'm doing my best. I know he is too.

Retro M 'n' m – 2007 – #1

Thursday, June 10, 2007

Michael is very verbal. He holds forth with a fluency and clarity uncommon among three-year-olds. He has yet to learn, however, that confidently saying something doesn’t make it true. He said, “I can play the saxophone without lessons.” I said, “Well, actually, every musician learns from other people.” He said, “Not me. I can play the saxophone. I can play the tuba and sousaphone too." Sousaphone? Can I assume knowledge of the sousaphone is also uncommon among three-year-olds? Because I’m like 30 and I didn’t know that’s an instrument.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Michael’s 4th birthday party at the public pool was rained out, so we packed the party into our little house. How was it? Mayhem. But fun! My favorite conversation was with Charlie, a gregarious, three-foot-tall, four-year-old with a smile that, somehow, is both genuine and permanent. He said, “Hi! My name is Charlie. I’m four. My dad’s name is John, but I call him Dad.” Awesome. Charlie has it all figured out and he's only four.

The family, including Gramma, came to my softball game last night. My Father’s Day gift, a new Rawlings – that I picked out; baseball gloves are like great friends, they can’t be picked out for you – worked surprisingly well despite its newness. It’s pretty soft already and I tightened some laces to form a better pocket and my new friend and I played well together. I love baseball gloves. Did you notice that one word is embedded in the other? Coincidence? No. I made sure to tell the kids repeatedly their gift was the secret to my success. They were uninterested. Michael had a stomachache from eating his pretzel and hot dog too fast. Little Megan wanted badly to run onto the field. I like that instinct! There are some big, scary dudes on my team but she wasn’t intimidated. And if any F-words floated out of the dugout, the kids seemed oblivious. I remember going to my dad’s softball games. I learned new words, witnessed yelling and scuffling, but mostly ate candy, got stomachaches, played in the dirt, and ran around. Just like M ‘n’ m.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

On Saturday night, I marched out the front door to escort my cousin, Sasha, to her car, to help her with her bag and say goodbye. Megan blew a gasket. It was awesome! She kind of yelped, burst into tears, reached out to me, said, “Da-ee, Da-ee!” – what passes for ‘Daddy’ right now – then turned to Mommy and frantically tapped her chest, the hand signal for help. She did NOT want me to leave. It was the happiest moment of my life. Later, I realized she just wanted to go outside.

Thursday, August 14, 2007

So with Megan, I press on, clumsy, but doing my best. Holding her, reading to her, playing with her, combing her hair and trying to braid it, teaching her words, teaching her to be nice, to share, helping her explore things, and making sure she doesn’t break herself or anything else when she gets mad and freaks out. Michael didn’t do the tantrum thing but Megan gives it a try once in a while. Although, by way of critique, I must say her tantrums have lacked enthusiasm lately.

Michael is getting comfortable in the water. That’s good. It’s fun and easy to hit the pool with him now. With his length – long arms and legs – he could be a great swimmer. Maybe an Olympic champ or Navy SEAL. That’s all. We don’t set the bar very high.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Michael told me at bedtime, “Daddy, I might get scared tonight.” He explained that the ‘Veggie Tales’ movie with the ‘Island of Perpetual Tickling’ wasn’t a good movie and that I should take it out to the garage right away, and then we should sell it in a garage sale. I said, sure, we can do that, or I can donate it or just give it away. Michael said that would be fine if I took it out to my car immediately so I wouldn’t forget. Sara explained – although the movie is animated and playful – there’s a faceless, grim reaper character on the island. Though I explained to Michael it’s nothing to be afraid of, I banished the movie. Michael also said he was scared of ‘the three letters.’ When I asked him to identify the perpetrators, possibly with a recitation of his ABCs, he said, “No Daddy, not like that, the loud letters.” And then I understood. Michael doesn’t like unfamiliar loud noises, sudden or shrill. Industrial strength toilets in public restrooms, for example, make him very uncomfortable. Some are so loud even I fear they'll suck the whole room into the sewer system. Michael has entered many a public restroom with hands over ears. As for the loud letters, I knew Michael meant the big ‘THX’ banner before movies with THX surround sound. The three letters fill the theater screen and the volume is slowly increased until it’s positively blaring.

Megan has a lot of words now. She totes around a cleaned-out mayonnaise container full of little whale figurines and says, “Whales, whales, whales.” She also has a book about whales she loves. She is her brother’s sister. She likes to read “Cake,” her Strawberry Shortcake book, and if she needs assistance: “Hep pease. Hep, pease.” It’s very sweet. I can hardly resist, even when she wants ‘help’ reaching for an open bottle of nail polish, or Mommy’s glass of red wine, or a knife. Megan advises anyone leaving to “Dive fafe.” And Mommy has Megan tell Daddy, if needed, “You a bum!” It’s from her book ‘The Paper Bag Princess.’ Her long, light hair is gorgeous. And when she runs, or laughs, or does anything at all, it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

Michael played his first high school baseball game...

... so I've decided some baseball facts and history are in order! (That was meant to sound campy.) Bill Bryson is a fantastic and funny writer. I'm reading his book, One Summer: America, 1927, in which baseball just happens to be a topic...

"Hitting a baseball is hard.... A baseball thrown at 90 miles per hour hits the catcher's mitt four-tenths of a second after it leaves the pitcher's hand, which clearly does not allow much time for reflection on the batter's part. Moreover, in order to get his bat to the plate to meet the ball's arrival, the batter must start his swing at two-tenths of a second, when the ball is still only halfway there. If the pitch is a curve, nearly all its deviation will still be to come. Half of it will occur just in the last fifteen feet. If the pitch is some other sort – a fastball, change-up, or cutter, say – the ball will arrive at a fractionally different instant and at a different height. Because of friction, the ball will also lose about 5 miles per hour of speed during the course of its short journey from the pitcher's hand.... So the batter, in this preposterously fractional part of a fraction that is allotted to him for decision making, must weigh all these variables, calculate the place and moment that the ball will cross the plate, and make sure that his bat is there to meet it. The slightest miscalculation, which is what the pitcher is counting on, will result in a foul ball or pop-up or some other form of routine failure. To slap out a single is hard enough – that is why even the very best hitters fail nearly seven times out of ten – but to hit the ball with power requires confident and irreversible commitment. It was this that Babe Ruth did as no man ever had before.... 'During batting practice all the Cleveland players stopped what they were doing just to watch him hit,' Willis Hudlin, a pitcher for the Indians at the time, recalled more than seventy years later for Sports Illustrated. 'He's the only guy the players ever did that for.' ... In 1920, his first year with the Yankees, Ruth hit 54 home runs – more than any other team in the major leagues.... Although home run numbers grew generally, no one came close to matching Ruth's totals. In 1920, when Ruth hit 54, no other player hit even 20. In 1921, his 59 homers were 11 more than the next two best hitters combined.... 'So compelling is his presence at the plate, so picturesque and showy and deliciously melodramatic his every move and appearance that he is, from the point of the onlooker, a success even when he is a failure,' wrote one observer. Even his pop-ups were sensational; they were often hoisted so high that he had comfortably rounded second base before the ball dropped into an infielder's glove.... People loved him – that's genuinely not too strong a word – and not without reason. He was kind and generous, especially to children, and endearingly unpretentious.... He wasn't good-looking, but he was irresistibly charismatic... (and) he commanded a certain wit... that combined shrewdness with simplicity and innocence with penetrating perception.... His appetites for sex and food, both seemingly boundless, were a source of perennial wonder.... On the whole, he got away with his wayward lifestyle, but when he faltered, he faltered spectacularly."
     — Bill Bryson, One Summer: America, 1927

"Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.... Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.... Yesterday's home runs don't win today's games.... If it wasn't for baseball, I'd be in either the penitentiary or the cemetery.... If I'd just tried for them dinky singles I could've batted around .600."
      — Babe Ruth

Stuff About Things #20

"The painter will produce pictures of little merit if he takes the works of others as his standard."

     — Leonardo da Vinci

"A philosophy of life: I'm an adventurer, looking for treasure."

     — Paulo Coelho

"The fool, with all his other faults, has this also, he is always getting ready to live."
     — Epicurus

"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us."
     — Epicurus

"Not what we have but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance."

     — Epicurus

"There are more things... likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality."
     — Seneca

"The truth is, we know so little about life, we don’t really know what the good news is and what the bad news is."
     — Kurt Vonnegut

"Don’t just resist cynicism – fight it actively. Fight it in yourself, for this ungainly beast lays dormant in each of us, and counter it in those you love and engage with, by modeling its opposite. Cynicism often masquerades as nobler faculties and dispositions, but is categorically inferior. Unlike that great Rilkean life-expanding doubt, it is a contracting force. Unlike critical thinking, that pillar of reason and necessary counterpart to hope, it is inherently uncreative, unconstructive, and spiritually corrosive. Life, like the universe itself, tolerates no stasis – in the absence of growth, decay usurps the order. Like all forms of destruction, cynicism is infinitely easier and lazier than construction. There is nothing more difficult yet more gratifying in our society than living with sincerity and acting from a place of largehearted, constructive, rational faith in the human spirit, continually bending toward growth and betterment. This remains the most potent antidote to cynicism. Today, especially, it is an act of courage and resistance."
     — Maria Popova

"It’s beyond strange that so many humans are clueless about how they should feed themselves. Every wild species on the planet knows how to do it; presumably ours did, too, before our oversized brains found new ways to complicate things. Now, we’re the only species that can be baffled about the 'right' way to eat. Really, we know how we should eat, but that understanding is continually undermined by hyperbolic headlines, internet echo chambers, and predatory profiteers all too happy to peddle purposefully addictive junk food and nutrition-limiting fad diets."
     — Mark Bittman and David L. Katz

"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."
     — Benjamin Disraeli

"Like all great travelers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen."
     — Benjamin Disraeli

"How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct."
     — Benjamin Disraeli

"The growth of wisdom may be gauged exactly by the diminution of ill-temper."
     — Nietzsche

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."
     — William James

"Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain cool and unruffled under all circumstances."
     — Thomas Jefferson

"The intelligent want self-control; children want candy."
     — Rumi

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-control."
     — 2 Timothy 1:7

"I love being a mom. I always wanted to be a mom, and I really feel so fulfilled. I'm so happy. I really feel like I worked really hard in my twenties and thirties, and struggling to make it, and Saturday Night Live, and I really killed myself with work. It was just work, work, work, work, work. Now I really feel like I've created a family, and I feel like I'm living my dream. This is all I've ever wanted. My mom died when I was little, when I was four, so for me, getting to be a mom and do all the things that she was never there for, it's very rewarding to me. It makes me feel so happy."
     — Molly Shannon, comedian, actor

"Human being are not born, once and for all, on the day their mothers give birth to them, but... life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves."
     — Gabriel Garcia Marquez

"There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way."
     — Christopher Morley, journalist, writer

"If Columbus had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock."
     — Arthur Goldberg, Supreme Court Justice

"Modern diplomats approach every problem with an open mouth."
     — Arthur Goldberg

"Keep your eye on the spirit, not on the scoreboard."
     — coaching advice from Phil Jackson

#395

Michael is my height now. That's an old photo below. He shaves. He'll drive soon. WTF dude. I remember your birth. I remember setting you on the scale in the nursery at the hospital. You were fifteen minutes old. I was crying and crying. You were not. You were dazed, puffy-faced, slowly exercising your fingers and eyes. That was yesterday, fucking yesterday. Time flies but I am so grateful.

Recently, Michael said, "I have to do my homework on paper tonight, I left my iPad in the orchestra room." That sounded strange to me; I wondered, What strange things will Michael hear from his kids someday? Stuff like: "We had a driver on the bus this morning," or "Can I get a data implant?" or "Why can't I have unlimited 7G?" or "I'm the only one who hasn't orbited," or "Marcela took an air-taxi to school today." Then Michael will reply to his son, "Marcela? Oh. Is she a girl you like?" That won't change. But college kids on space stations, drone deliveries from Amazon, humans on Mars? Yes. Technology begets technology; barring an apocalypse, I only see it marching on.

Michael's 'paper homework' made me consider how paper was, at some point, the new technology. Then copy machines, worksheets, workbooks. Now iPads. My grandmother taught in a one-room country schoolhouse. They had a chalkboard. No handouts, no overheads, no projectors and reels of film. I saw the birth of VHS tapes and audio cassettes. TVs and VCRs appeared in classrooms. Calculators. I had a Trapper Keeper. There was life before email, cell phones, the internet, Google, remote controls, social media. I used an Apple IIe. For a time, my parents shopped and banked without credit cards, cash machines, Pay Pal. They used traveler's checks during our awesome faraway driving vacations. Things change. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." Ferris said that in 1986. I was in junior high. I believed him but now I don't believe, I know. Four decades of experiences, of life, moving fast.

To be clear, technology isn't always progress. Consider coffee ala Keurig, for example: convenient, but shit compared to a pourover. Or a proper espresso. The espresso machine and method utilizing steam, by the way, was invented in 1884.

My DNA results came back. I am mostly Scandinavian and Irish, as expected. My grandpa was called 'Swede' by everyone who knew him; that was one clue. I hoped for a sliver of Native American, through a mysterious great-grandmother, but I am not, apparently, unless only a few percent, which appears to be the granularity. The good news is we can admire whoever we want, and I admire bits of every culture; all have unique traditions, people, history, geography, and wisdom. Amen.

"Little things affect little minds."

— Benjamin Disraeli

#394

It's a little painful to go back and read old posts here; the writing is shitty. But I tell myself: Quit whining; artists, athletes, musicians, whatever the craft – everyone must practice. And practice and practice. We know this, thanks to Malcolm Gladwell and his 10,000-Hour Rule, "It takes decades to become an overnight sensation," and so on. So we can't be sunk by insecurity when we're only a practicer. Or, as I prefer: a novice, a neophyte; kind, inconspicuous words for someone who still sucks at something. But beginners we are, and begin we must. Otherwise, nothing. And then we practice, and there's pain, for the audience too; think of beginning violinists, new standup comics, even the baby Beatles, who played for years in Hamburg, Germany's red light district. We can't all be Beatles, but we can all begin. And we should. My early M 'n' m posts are especially bumbling, but I'm so obviously in love and excited and thankful for them, brimming and rambling, annoyingly – but I hope that comes through, if nothing else. And I keep writing because I enjoy it; like I enjoy reading, and opening presents, and watching Iowa State win football and basketball games. But writing is even better. Time disappears. I'm soothed. I feel energized, happy, unconfused. Some people do Sudoku, play tennis, cook. Whatever works for you, do that. It used to be playing basketball for me. For Michael, I think, it's music; he plays the bass and the cello. Megan loses herself in the visual arts: drawing, painting, sculpting. But M 'n' m are young; there's so much they haven't tried: snowboarding, sailing, mountain climbing, scuba diving, acting, orchid growing, hunting, making souffles, spelunking, fly fishing, woodworking, world traveling, space traveling (in our lifetimes, it seems), volunteering in various ways and places... obviously, the list is long. Nearly limitless, in fact.

The kids and I flew to Grandma and Grandpa's in Florida for a long weekend of flawless weather, ocean-swimming, boating, shopping, enjoying the beach. And stuffing our faces. Seafood, key lime pie, donuts, and Grandma's bottomless snack vault. It was perfect. We're grateful. At least I am, and Michael too; it's Megan who remains stingy with her 'pleases' and 'thank-yous' and it drives me effing crazy. I continue to growl at her about it. Which doesn't seem to help.

I complain, sure, but I also realize that Megan without her obstinacy wouldn't be Megan. And I love Megan. So I want Megan to be Megan, but with a little tweaking here and there. And I know some people want me to be me, but with a little tweaking here and there.

I read this from Tom Brady, about his kids' reaction to his Super Bowl loss, and it being a teaching moment: "That was the first time that I'd seen my kids really react in that way. You know, Benny was crying, Vivi was crying and they were sad for me and sad for the Patriots. But I just said to them, 'Look, you guys, this is a great lesson. We don't always win. We try our best and sometimes it doesn't go the way we want.'" Brady, by the way, was named the NFL MVP again this year (he's won three times) and passed for 505 yards in the 41-33 loss to the Eagles. Not bad for a 40-year-old.

Stuff About Things #19

"He laughs all the time, but if you get into a fight, I'm telling you man, you better pray he's on your side."
     — The Power of One by Bryce Courtenay

When Congressional Medal of Honor recipient Audie Murphy was asked why he took on an entire company of German infantry by himself, he replied famously, "They were killing my friends."

"I'm always of the mindset that any asshole victory is short-lived. It just is. They lose. Assholes lose. They're annoying, they cause momentary hardships, but they ultimately lose, and that's a good thing."
     — Jon Stewart

"I've decided it's pretty rookie to be a dick."
     — Jason Bateman

"I'm a bit of a people-pleaser, unfortunately. My wife says it's hard to be married to me. She wishes I was more of an asshole."
     — Hugh Jackman

"I realize now that an infinite acreage of things unknown will lose their venom once properly introduced."
     — Zach Braff

"I like someone who gets up everyday and is incredibly excited about whatever he's going to learn, whether it's politics, art, his own spirituality, or just meeting someone new. You have to be interested in the rest of the world. Everything is so much bigger than you are."
     — Rashida Jones

"We're supposed to be tired. That's how you build a career."
     — Lady Gaga

"They conquer who believe they can."
     — John Dryden

"Trials and difficult people are all just unwitting pegs on your way up the climbing wall of life."
     — Ewan McGregor

"Malice is only another name for mediocrity."
     — Patrick Kavanagh

"Hawk's capacity for silence was limitless, and I could endure more of it than I usually got."
     — Spenser, Hundred Dollar Baby by Robert B. Parker

"Cosmic love is ruthlessly loving: whether you like it or not, it loves you, it teaches you, teases you, plays with you, surprises you."
     — John C. Lilly

"Before we can become prophetic, we have to be authentic human beings, people who can exist outside a structure, who can create their own existence, who have within themselves the resources for affirming their identity and their freedom in any situation in which they find themselves. This means people capable of creating a life for themselves who are not identified with a structure."
     — Thomas Merton

"Hell is easy to define. It would be spending eternity with evangelicals."
     — Don Koons

"You gotta trust your stuff."
     — Bob Wickman, relief pitcher

"Life not lived to be safe. Safe make you weak, make you slow, make you tired."
     — Pony Flores, Blue-Eyed Devil by Robert B. Parker

"Crazy Horse laughed and said, 'You are not speaking to a white man. Whites are the only ones who make rules for other people. Camp where you please.'"
     — Crazy Horse: A Life by Larry McMurtry

"The more knowledge you get, the more questions you ask. That is life."
     — Georges St-Pierre, fighter

"When force of circumstance upsets your equanimity, lose no time in recovering your self-control, and do not remain out of tune longer than you can help. Habitual recurrence to the harmony will increase your mastery of it."
     — Marcus Aurelius

"If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?"
     — Rumi

"Listen, I've done a few odd things in my life, and this is one of the odder ones. It's good for you, keeps your chops in shape, you have to wind yourself up in a different way."
     — Mick Jagger

"A good example is the best sermon."
     — Ben Franklin

"I am one of those who think like Nobel, that humanity will draw more good than evil from new discoveries."
     — Marie Curie

"We are all failures – at least the best of us."
     — James Matthew Barrie

I commissioned Meg to paint my favorite letter... and I love it! And I love her! Especially when she's not crabby!

The more uncivilized the man, the surer he is that he knows precisely what is right and what is wrong. ― H.L. Mencken