"She is novelty; for she is never the Chicago you saw when you passed through the last time." — Mark Twain

"You feel a love...

... you know you will never be able to adequately explain or express to (your son), a love that flows one way, down the generations, not in reverse, and is understood and reciprocated only when time has made of a younger generation an older one."
     — Mohsin Hamid, How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia: A Novel

#399

My mission to reach 400 has stalled. 398 was two months ago. Speaking of two: I'll have two teenagers soon. My little kids aren't little anymore. It's bittersweet; I can't wait to know the adult versions of M 'n' m, but their years as children have been a trip; I've enjoyed it and I'm grateful and not ready for it to shrink in the distance as we race into the future.

I have some old notes and scribbles here that I never shared. Perhaps it's because many are not directly about M 'n' m, and others are controversial (so best unshared), or so brief I must've intended to fatten them up by rambling, which is never good because good writing is lean. My writing isn't lean or good. Here are some notes:

I think confidence and humility can coexist beautifully.  And I think that's called grace. It is a special kind of polish, or refinement. I wish I saw this in the mirror. I wish I saw it in the world more, too.

It is silly, of course, but there's wisdom in it, for us all to consider, when judging ourselves or anyone else, the tongue-in-cheek advice, "Pick your parents well."

I am finally reading "A Picture of Dorian Gray." The story of Oscar Wilde is kind of a tragic one, but I can only agree, so far (I am on page 9), that he is one of the best ever to turn a phrase. I really loved the Dublin Writer's Museum which Jeanette suggested we visit in Ireland. It houses some artifacts and original writings, letters, manuscripts, etc. from Wilde, Joyce, Swift, Shaw, Stoker, Yeats, Behan, Beckett. Geniuses, every one.

In a Puerto Rican shop today in Old San Juan, I saw this on a bracelet: "Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."

I’ve only ever looked out of one pair of eyes. And I’ve only been inside of one head, one mind. (My own, of course.) Over seven billion people on the planet now. And how many before us? And only this single experience as pilot of a human mind and body? Yet life affords you another kind of perspective-changer: Being young and getting older. That is meaningful change. And, if we're lucky I guess, we keep getting older and older.

Megan asked me, "What's for breakfast?" I said, "Eggs." She said, "Every time I see eggs, I think of baby chickens. I wanna put eggs under heat lamps." Oh brother.

Do you ever give credence to the possibility that we reincarnate, that we've had past lives? And what if, when we were 'someone else,' we touched the lives of those who touch our lives now? What if we lived alongside our ancestors somehow, in some way? In mines or factories or foxholes with our grandfathers? What if you were the old doctor who saved your grandma's life when she was young? What if this, what if that... would you carry yourself differently? Do you want to carry yourself differently? Maybe we should ask ourselves questions like these and realize what we can't be sure of. Which, it seems to me, is another way of saying: realize what is possible. 

Fundamentalists scare the shit out of me. And not just the jihadi and sharia variety. Some of my evangelical Christian friends I find uncomfortably myopic, rigid, and condemnatory. (For the record, I'm Christian, although, perfect example: certain Christians would say I'm not because my views are too liberal or flexible or inclusive or modern; and I respect, and often praise, other world religions.) I think the litmus test is simple: If someone is drowning, we shouldn't, of course, throw them a barbell, but neither should we even hesitate or put conditions on our help in that moment. Right? I feel like some people – ironically, very devout people, which is an admirable, disciplined trait, this unshakeable devotion – would need to think about it and pass judgement first – who is this and what do they believe and maybe I can convert them? And yet, pretending I'm Mr. Nice Guy, I sit here and espouse ideas like: People should enter the United States legally. Easy for me to say; I'm already here. But laws are important too. So voting on and modifying laws can be undertaken. I don't think anyone has ever suggested 'voting on and modifying laws' in the Bible, though. Leviticus and so on. I will shut up now....

I like this from Hemingway: "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." He also said: "There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; (be) superior to your former self." And a favorite of anyone who knows that thoughtfully jotting down anything at all is harder than it seems, hard to get started, hard to finish contentedly, impossible to do well enough to please one's inner critic: "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."  Hemingway was an active dude. At 61 he took his own life but it's suspected that physical and mental deterioration due to a blood disorder may have played a part. Similar to Robin Williams' unbearable situation perhaps. It doesn't sound like either was afflicted with the same kind of pernicious depression as David Foster Wallace.

Megan asked me, "Why does fear have to be a thing?"

I want to shrink my amygdala. I hope, via genetics, I didn't gift overactive ones to M 'n' m. Although, I would argue there are benefits to a certain amount of sensitivity, alertness, awareness, conscientiousness, competitiveness, intelligence, energy; all of which are bolstered I would think by a little anxiety.

I am not surprised that the words 'arrogance' and 'ignorance' have a similar ring and flow to them when pronounced.

I read something recently in which the author referred to the world as 'morally squishy.' Clever way to put it. But on some level, I feel like we always know what the right thing to do is. There are two sides to every story, but even so…. Kindness is important. But if kindness to one party harms another party, then what? Are there laws involved? Can a majority opinion be reached? In my opinion, there’s more of a firmness to the world, regarding right and wrong; it’s not that squishy. But it’s not always morally black and white either; to believe that is insane. How much do parents impact moral development in their children? Entirely? No. But considerably. Substantially. And actions speak louder than words.

We catch smallmouth bass at Paul's. Also walleye and northern, but smallmouth are the pound-for-pound champs; they fight like beserkers (a Viking term; worth reading about). They're surprisingly powerful and I love that combination: that of being powerful, I mean, but not having a big mouth.

Paul – a nearly lifelong friend of Papa Mike's – has a home, boats, and other toys on Island Lake near Duluth. It's not a busy place. Bears, wolves, bald eagles, loons, and prized fish live there, in big expanses of wilderness, water, and open air. I'm grateful Michael gets to experience it every year, and I do too. Megan doesn't love to fish, and we spend many, many hours doing that, but I want her to see it someday, too. Such places exist and they have charms, and also challenges, quite different than those encountered in, say, downtown Chicago. Thank you, Paul.

It’s challenging to be a great father and have a great career. It’s even more challenging to be a great mother and have a great career. These are controversial comments. But I see parents everywhere taking on the task – parenting, that is – with passion, patience, aplomb, and it’s inspiring to me. Because I know it’s not easy. It’s not stress-free, or inexpensive, or undemanding, or predictable. It’s wonderful though.

I just realized that in the 'Marvel Universe' and the 'DC Universe,' the heroes that headline movies are always not parents. At least Disney / Pixar has The Incredibles.

Why do we seek to provoke inelegance, and disgrace, instead of elegance and grace. In the news media, especially. Social media, despite its vulnerability to misuse and nonsense, is generally better, I think, at exposing us to uplifting things, family photos and good news and opportunities to support, greet, compliment, and advise each other. I’m really only familiar with Facebook though. Not Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, or any others.

They say the teen psyche is powerfully averse to criticism and embarrassment.... This might be a very bad thing when cocktailed up with social media.

I don't know if Michael is setting hearts aflutter in junior high. But I do know that my dugout – I'll call it that since I'm the head coach – was visited by five or six girls yesterday, all chipper and chatty and looking for Michael and a couple other guys. When the right girl was in the audience, I was eager to show off. I don't know if this effect made me better or worse; I hope these guys play better. Distractions are okay sometimes if they inspire.

I've bought so many great books for next to nothing at Goodwill stores. I feel guilty. I confess. My latest purchase? A pristine copy of The Varieties of Religious Experience by William James. Light bedtime reading.

I don't believe I live in a 'profoundly sick society' or even a 'sick society' – there are too many good things going on, and good people – but I find myself drawn to this quote: "It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society." It's from Krishnamurti. I will learn more about him. Off to YouTube for clips and documentaries.

The two Michaels (Papa Mike and Michael) are both list-makers and productive guys. It appears that lists inspire productivity and creativity. And organization. Well then, I need to make more lists.

Do you lie to your kids? Do they lie to you? Mark Twain wrote an essay...

... called On Decay of the Art of Lying. I found it interesting; I am, after all, a parent. I need to detect, and also tell, the occasional lie. Hopefully only soft lies, productive, purposeful lies, you know, for positive effect; I mean the lies I'll tell M 'n' m, to postpone the truth until they're older, or to avoid cynicism or unhelpful discouragement; there are many reasons to fib and evade. But my kids are – and I bet yours are too – astute, curious, and, at times, suspicious of my recollections and commentary as it pertains to my own bad behavior, or the bad behavior of others or the world in general. In other words, they can detect lies too. So... should we master the art of lying? It seems Samuel Clemens is suggesting that very thing: Yes, lying is called for sometimes and best done proficiently. "Have you ever smoked a cigarette, Dad?" Or, from their generation, "Do you vape?" M 'n' m and I have talked about it (and I was pretty honest, actually; more about chewing tobacco than smoking it for me). "What drugs have you seen? What drugs have you done? How old were you?” We've touched on this, also, but not in great detail. And the topic of sex? We can refuse to answer, but that's not the right message either. Between parents and children, lying and hypocrisy absolutely take place, and understandably. Effective lying – and this is the real thrust of Twain’s candor here – is often an appropriate courtesy, as well.

Twain says, "Everybody lies – every day; every hour; awake; asleep; in his dreams; in his joy; in his mourning; if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey deception – and purposely.... The iron-souled truth-monger would plainly manifest, or even utter that he didn't want to see those people – and he would be an ass, and inflict totally unnecessary pain.... but never mind, they had a thousand pleasant ways of lying, that grew out of gentle impulses, and were a credit to their intelligence and an honor to their hearts. Let the particulars go.... I think that all courteous lying is a sweet and loving art, and should be cultivated. The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.... An injurious lie is an uncommendable thing; and so, also, and in the same degree, is an injurious truth.... Almost any little pleasant lie would have taken the sting out of that troublesome but necessary expression of the truth. Lying is universal – we all do it. Therefore, the wise thing is for us diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully, judiciously; to lie with a good object, and not an evil one; to lie for others' advantage, and not our own; to lie healingly, charitably, humanely, not cruelly, hurtfully, maliciously; to lie gracefully and graciously, not awkwardly and clumsily; to lie firmly, frankly, squarely...."

Stuff About Things #25

"Hard work works."
     — Denzel Washington

"Gratitude works." 

"Some people are so poor all they have is money."

"Demonstration is better than instruction."

"Life is a classroom, and the lessons are often quite simple."

"Eagles don't flock."

"Life is a series of moments called now."

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
     — Albert Einstein

"What we call reality is a subset of accessible spaces."
     — Luis Villalobos

"Context and memory play powerful roles in all the truly great meals in one's life."
     — Anthony Bourdain

"The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."
     — Eden Phillpotts

"It's simple, but simple isn't the same as easy."
     — John Scalzi

"The poorest way to face life is to face it with a sneer.... A cynical habit of thought and speech, a readiness to criticize work which the critic himself never tries to perform, an intellectual aloofness which will not accept contact with life’s realities - all these are marks, not as the possessor would fain to think, of superiority but of weakness.... The role is easy; there is none easier..."
     — Theodore Roosevelt

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena... who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat… There is little use for the being whose tepid soul knows nothing of great and generous emotion..."
     — Theodore Roosevelt

"A man must consider what a rich realm he abdicates when he becomes a conformist."
     — Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out."
     — James B. Conant

"Pay no attention to the critics. Don't even ignore them."
     — Samuel Goldwyn

"If you're going through hell, keep going."
     — Winston Churchill

"It is God's kindness to terrify you in order to lead you to safety."
     — Rumi

"Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions."
      ― Hafiz

"Don't let your throat tighten with fear. Take sips of breath all day and night."
     — Rumi

No mirror ever became iron again;
No bread ever became wheat;
No ripened grape ever became sour fruit.
Mature yourself and be secure from a change for the worse.
Become the light.
     — Rumi

"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star."
     — Nietzsche

"If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?"
     — Rumi

"Serious writers, I should say, are on the whole more vain and self-centered than journalists, though less interested in money.... The opinion that art should have nothing to do with politics is itself a political attitude.... In any case I find that by the time you have perfected any style of writing, you have always outgrown it.... I have not written a novel for seven years, but I hope to write another fairly soon. It is bound to be a failure, every book is a failure.... All writers are vain, selfish, and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives there lies a mystery. Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand."
     — George Orwell, Why I Write, 1946