#322

After lampooning Michael in #321, and busting on young men in general for having undeveloped brains with diminished averseness to risk and, oh yeah, amplified appetites for pleasure; seriously, emerging science confirms adolescent boys are wired to experience pleasure more intensely than anytime before or after in life, but we knew that already, and I digress... after being negative in #321, let's get back to the positive. I could talk about Megan's eyelashes, how they're long and flawlessly curved and uniform, God's finest work and on proper display whenever I stare at her profile, when she's absorbed in a book, for example, or more likely, because it's too often, her iPad. But something else Megan-related is mention-worthy here: her birthday gift to me this year. She knows I love words and quotes and bullshit — ah, I'm only kidding, of course, about the BS — she knows I love words and their power to inspire. So she made me a book of "Inspiration quotes." To describe it, I can only use my favorite word: Awesome. Well, I can't help but add that it's thoughtful, creative, befitting, and one of the best gifts ever. (One word? Ha.) Here it is:

The quotes she used:
Think positive, be positive, be strong
Every scar I have makes me who I am
It's a good day for a good day
Life is tough, my darling, but so are you
You are stronger than you think
NEVER give up
Life's a journey, not a race
Be you and stay you
Nobody makes you angry, you decide to use anger as a response

50 mantras, reordered, re-posted for this week's mindset

If it doesn't suck, we don't do it. – Navy SEALs
God's lookin’ out for us. – Marcus Luttrell
If it disappoints you, think of it less.
Be a force for good.
You can measure a man by the opposition it takes to discourage him.
There is nothing wrong with loving the crap out of everything. – Ryan Adams
My song is love. – Coldplay
Love is all around you. – Tesla
Be anti-fragile.
Your bad habits are in the hallway doing push-ups.
Brother, stand the pain, escape the poison of your impulses. – Rumi
The intelligent want self-control, children want candy. – Rumi 
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. – Dylan Thomas
Free yourself from the tyranny of constant thought.
This mustn't register on an emotional level. – Sherlock Holmes
My cup runs over. – Psalm 23
The only easy day was yesterday. – Navy SEALs
There is no tomorrow. – Apollo Creed
Confrontation's never been something we've had trouble with. – Rick TWD
We won't get weak, that's not in us anymore. – Rick TWD
Relax Luther, it’s much worse than you think. – Ethan Hunt
Every warrior hopes a good death will find him. – One Stab
But Tristan refused to speak of her. – One Stab
The wind cannot defeat a tree with strong roots. – The Revenant
You're okay. Keep fighting. – Ronda Rousey
Comparisons are odious – Jack Kerouac
It's okay to live a life others don't understand.
Traveling hopefully is better than arriving.
Love more, worry less.
I can do this all day. – Captain America
Sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment. – Rumi
Oh hell, Max, I been in tighter places than that. – Grandpa Swede (after his Model T rolled and Uncle Max thought for sure it had crushed and killed him)
We carry our own. – Grandma Bev at Grandpa Swede's funeral
There is power in optimism.
There is power in ritual.
Make practice a practice.
Terror is a fine instructor.
Pioneers take the most arrows.
Bet on him, if you like. – Herger the Joyous
I’ve been through worse. – Wolverine
Pay no attention to the critics. Don’t even ignore them. – Samuel Goldwyn
The painting isn't done in the middle.
Life makes goats of us all. And heroes.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner
Does iron wrought, in furnaces hot, in withering heat, complain?
Which is the greater pleasure?
Keep making shots.
I am not an atheist. – Albert Einstein
Enjoy every minute of it, Hon.
Great multitudes came to him, and he healed them all.

I made a comment in #321 about creation...

... and wanted to follow up with this, excerpted from a letter to Jackson Pollock from his father:

I think your philosophy on religion is okay. I think every person should think, act and believe according to the dictates of his own conscience without too much pressure from the outside. I too think there is a higher power, a supreme force, a governor, a something that controls the universe. What it is and in what form I do not know. It may be that our intellect or spirit exists in space in some other form after it parts from this body. Nothing is impossible and we know that nothing is destroyed, it only changes chemically. We burn up a house and its contents, we change the form but the same elements exist; gas, vapor, ashes. They are all there just the same.

#321

It's 40 degrees this morning and Michael wore shorts to school. I didn't stop him. I said if I shined a flashlight in his ear, light would come out his other ear, but I didn't make him change. Lots to discuss here, namely:

1) Am I a shitty parent?

2) Has Michael lost his mind?

3) Do teenage boys have minds to begin with?

3) Is my son oblivious to the world around him? Heedless of freezing temperatures and the perceptions of others – like teachers and normal people – that he's a dumbass or, worse, an unparented dumbass?

4) Is he trying to be cool? (Great pun in this situation.) Maybe the in-thing for junior-high boys is to reject jackets, act tough, chatter teeth, be like SEALs in surf torture (that's the cold water / hypothermia training they do that must be really, really miserable). I know certain boys 'love' spicy food and regard it as a measure of toughness. Sure, but I don't feel untough when I use ketchup instead of habanero hellfire burn-your-face-off death sauce.

They say the adolescent male mind is like a car without brakes. It's missing important shit. Awesome. It's not fully-formed, rounded, balanced, tested. It's lousy at impulse resistance and self control. Young men are crappy at postponing pleasure, delaying gratification, calculating consequences. You get it. Bodily developments can outpace mental developments that really should accompany the physical changes, but oh well. At least young men do, in fact, have minds, and they aren't easily lost or missing even. So Michael has a mind, it's just fucked up right now, which is standard. I realize these things makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, but not a modern one whatsoever. We live in a funny universe. I'm pretty certain it's created, and not random or accidental, but whenever I'm struck by the incredible precision of its physical structure, shortly thereafter I'm struck by the unbounded chaos of pieces like consciousness and culture. I don't wish, however, for Michael to be as predictable as gravity. That would be boring as shit, frankly. Consistency, yes, but constancy in all things would seem to nullify personalities, histories, and life itself.

Every dude should get a lot of sympathy because of what we go through when we're young. With our half-baked brains.

Sophie told me today that beards are 'dude makeup.' I'm wearing a lot of dude makeup right now.

So this happens when you get laid off...

... and you've been neglecting your yard. We have a jungle out back that I'm thinning. I chopped down a huge tree with an ax (pretty sure that was on my bucket list) and now I can juggle chainsaws. Also hatchets, flaming brands, and skunks. Or maybe I'm just excited because I used a chainsaw for the first time in my life. My nails are dirty and there's a campfire burning everyday.

Life is good.

On doubt, upbringings, moms and dads, hope, finitude, cliches, gritting it out

From The Tim Ferriss Show...

Question: What do you do to overcome doubt?

Answer from YouTube sensation Shay Carl: That's a tough one because you go in fits and bouts with doubt, depending on the morning, depending on the mode... and it's different for different people. I think it starts at your upbringing, you know, what did your mom and dad tell you? Did your mom and dad tell you you could do it? Or did they tell you you couldn't do it? I think a lot of it, more than we would like to admit, comes from our upbringing, the personal, internal struggles that we have, and that might, like, feel bad to some moms and dads out there, but a lot of the kind of crap that we carry around out there like self-doubt, inferiority, you know, anxiousness, all that I think stems from those developmental years of being a kid, and that's why families are so important, that's why moms and dads are so important, because we carry around a lot of this baggage for the rest of our lives. So how do I get over doubt? Some days you don't. You know, it's like a battle, everything is a battle, 'happiness is a choice' is a battle, being confident in what you're saying and what you want to do is a battle. And a lot of the time it's a 'fake it 'til you make it' kind of mentality. There's not a good tip or trick, other than just do it. Other than you have to tell yourself, "Do not doubt. Believe. Just hope for good things to come." At the end of Shawshank Redemption, Andy says, "Hope is a good thing, and it's maybe one of the best of things, because without hope, there is darkness." ... The only thing you can have sometimes is hope, and that's what you have to do to overcome doubt. And I always go back to this, because I think it's a little jarring for people, but I'm just like, "You're going to die." If you have this healthy realization... it will give you, hopefully not anxiousness but a sense of proactivity, where you realize we have limited amount of time... so just go for it. What have you got to lose? You have to look at failures as just stepping stones, because people are always like, "What if I mess up, what if I fail, what if I lose everything?" Then that's like, so what, start over.... It's all about how you get up, you know, all those little cliches are true. It's sometimes just gritting through it.

#320

At every opportunity, Megan points out she doesn't have a cell phone yet. On the way to a sleepover, I'll say: "If you need anything tonight, Lovebug, just call." And Meg says: "I can't call, Dad, I don't have a cell phone." But I win with: "You say all your friends have phones now, borrow one." I suppose keeping a win / loss record for arguments with your kids isn't praiseworthy. It isn't mature either. But Vince Lombardi said, “Winning isn't a sometime thing, it's an all the time thing.” Packers suck, but I agree. Lombardi also said, “People who work together will win, whether it be against complex football defenses, or the problems of modern society.” Thinking of sending a few thousand copies of When Pride Still Mattered: A Life Of Vince Lombardi to Washington DC.

So the bottle-flipping thing is annoying. I hope it's like Gangnam Style, Rainbow Looms, you know, stuff that's crazy-popular and then vanishes. I thought Rainbow Looms were cool and creative by the way. I don't think twerking is cool and creative. I'm happy the NFL is flagging and fining for it. I wonder what Vince Lombardi would say about twerking.

Speaking of fatherly maturity, or immaturity, my temperament on Sundays is a little too governed by fantasy football. My day is brightened or broken by my team's performance... which sucks right now! It's making me crabby on Sundays.

"Since I had started to break down all my writing and get rid of all facility and try to make instead of describe, writing has been wonderful to do. But it was very difficult, and I did not know how I would every write anything as long as a novel. It often took me a full morning of work to write a paragraph."
     — Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast

#319

M 'n' m keep doing well in school. Their grades are shipshape, and I have nothing dramatic or troublesome to report about school (knock on wood). Life can be a buffet of trouble and drama if we look for it. And we look for it. There are reasons we do; it makes perfect sense. We're drawn, as observers, to havoc and chaos and mudslinging; our presidential debates are disaster-circuses and we watch them. It's important stuff to keep tabs on. (M 'n' m watch them too and I probably shouldn't allow it; that's sad.) And then the kids come home and tell me the nation is being attacked by creepy clowns. I say, "You mean the politicians?" and they say, "No! We mean real clowns!" Huh? I think the kids are nuts but I google it and sure enough, sightings everywhere.... Humans are wired to look for danger. We're built to identify, escape, avoid, and prevent the destruction of ourselves and our social groups. We can thank evolution. We keep tabs on things that threaten, like celebrity break-ups. Brad Pitt is imploding and we need to know why. It could happen to us, movie-stardom and mega-millions and then a faceplant. Ben Affleck, Tiger Woods. I'm being facetious, of course, but I truly believe life isn't easy for any of us. It can be awesome, but it isn't easy. So, umm, M 'n' m are doing well in school.

According to Men's Health, the poet Walt Whitman left us advice — over 150 years ago — on developing "herculean strength, a sparkling eye, and an ever-happy soul." He says get up early, take brisk walks, "pull the oar," eat a lot of meat, and avoid being a "puny, hollow-breasted fellow" by "swinging the dumbbells." And my favorite, dedicate yourself to a "cheerful temper" or risk a life of "gloom and feebleness." Amen, Walt! Nice beard. M 'n' m have dumbbells and meat but no oars, no boat. They're cheerful. Sometimes. Sort of. We're working on that, especially with Meg. Regarding a sparkling eye, I told Jeanette last night (during the Cubs NLDS ending victory!!): I understand that Kris Bryant is a 'handsome fellow' — as Walt Whitman would say — and I can see why the ladies swoon (and the dudes when he's blasting homers the Cubs desperately need to make a World Series for the first time since dinosaurs) but Javy Baez is the guy that has a sparkle in his eye. He's special. She didn't disagree.   

He doesn't make the cello look big anymore. I love him.

(Click on / touch the image to increase resolution)

#318

While 'in between jobs' and at home last week, I made a remarkable discovery: The cast of Days of Our Lives is the same after 25 years! I see signs of age — pulled faces, fake hair, the usual — but I'm impressed; I'd look like George Burns or Larry King next to these folks. Grandma Barb watched Days of Our Lives while she ironed, cooked, did everything at home for the rest of us. During summers, running in and out of the house, maybe eating PB&J, I caught scenes here and there, also Guiding Light and As the World Turns, but never General Hospital; that one wasn't steamy enough for Grandma. (Kidding?) There's stiff competition now, but I hope the soaps and 'daytimes' are alive and well.   

Megan doesn't say 'please' and 'thank you' enough. She's improving, but it's a battle. It's not as natural for her as it is for me; that sounds like a horrible parenting cop-out, but I truly believe some of us have a stronger people-pleasing compulsion than others. We're more overtly, outwardly, palpably bent that way. It doesn't make us better or worse, but courtesy, graciousness, basic manners must be learned and habituated. No exceptions, no excuses. This is where good, firm parenting comes in. I'm lousy at good, firm parenting. I don't want M 'n' m to be obsequious or soft; I don't expect them to gush or fawn like I do on occasion (although I'm always genuine), but I'll keep hammering on them about polite expressions, greetings, postures, and so on. And when I see a headline like "Chik-fil-A is Beating Every Competitor by Training Workers to Say 'Please' and 'Thank You'" I raise an eyebrow. The article references interesting data, and while 'customer service' isn't what I'm preaching to Meg-Pie, I want her to know and feel the power of politeness. I don't use it to disarm, dissuade, or deceive people; I use it to express sincere gratitude; I use it to connect and show solidarity with fellow humans; I use it to make life richer and fuller. Come on Megan, don't you see? Get with the program!

Colonel Ludlow: Your daughter needs an education.
Decker: She can read and write, Colonel. School might be awkward for her.
CL: I'll teach her myself. I'll teach her history and mathematics. With your permission, Decker, and yours, Pet.
D: What will she do with all this education?
CL: She'll live a richer, fuller life, of course.
     — Legends of the Fall

Decker: She's a half-breed.
Colonel Ludlow: Not in this house.
     — Legends of the Fall

Megan is a half-breed also. Sort of. Her great-great-grandma was Native American.

Important scientific news: A recent study proves that male pattern baldness is the result of high testosterone. The study was paid for by a bunch of dudes with male pattern baldness.

#317

M 'n' m don't think it's funny anymore, every morning at breakfast, when I say, "Oh man, I had a nightmare last night that I lost my job!" Jokes sour fast. And I guess kids aren't the best audience for gallows humor. They're like spring flowers, tender, fresh, facing the sun. Meg, however, has a wicked fondness for sarcasm already, and cynicism and skepticism; my least favorite attitudes. Kids have a way of finding their parents' 'least favorites.' Michael, on the contrary, is encouraging and cheerful and told me this morning, "Good luck searching for a job today, Dad." How sweet. He's probably worried sick. Actually, he's not; that was me being melodramatic. He's fine and Meg is mostly oblivious. Perfect.

"I don't think the heavy stuff's gonna come down for quite awhile."
     — Carl, Caddyshack

Years ago, a self-improvement article I skimmed challenged readers to 'think of some successful cynics.' I thought of some comedians who use cynicism as shtick, but otherwise I got the point. The best around us kill their inner cynic. Or they silence it, manage it, show up every day positive and productive, confident but compassionate, ready to give and receive good energy. I sound like Tony Robbins!

"Oh, Ed, you sounded like Dirty Harry just then."
     — Grace, Ferris Bueller's Day Off

I listen to the Tim Ferriss Podcast. It's been #1 on iTunes; his guests are remarkable and he mines them for valuable wisdom. Today, renowned chef Joshua Skenes said this: "To me, success is living what brings you joy, and I think doing whatever process brings you happiness." Joy and happiness. I'm in. We know it's true; if you love it, it will bring out the best in you. Your best effort, energy, focus, desire. Find what you love. Trite but true. (I love coffee. I will go find more coffee in a minute.) But I mention this also because of the word 'process.' It speaks to me. 'Moments' can be wonderful, but our 'process' — our daily rituals, habits, routines and the paths and pursuits we choose, the ones that consume our hours (not just a few moments) — is indeed our life.   

Megan let loose some astonishing flatulence last night. Laying on the couch, on her stomach, on her iPad (of course). The volume and length were shocking. I said, "Good lord, how were you not blown up like a balloon before that?!" She just laughed but I thought about calling her doctor. It's not hereditary.

Found this...

... lovely little note in a pile of papers. It's a few years old; Meg is finally clear it doesn't work this way, with divorce or otherwise, and her threats and provocations like this are generally met with a smile, and not any kind of acquiescence or anger. Of course, she doesn't see me smile; I think mocking and shaming kids is noxious, frankly. It's just that life isn't so simple. And every divorced parent knows it's a pendulum; you could be favored one moment, ill-favored the next, but hopefully, always, your kids are certain in every cell that both of you are steady, solid, loving parents.

#316

I was given a severance package last week. Or, in the words of M 'n' m, "Dad, sorry you got laid off." I tend to compulsively, awkwardly self-deprecate, but right now I prefer phrases like 'impacted by downsizing,' 'let go,' 'your position was moved to China,' or 'you're awesome'; yeah, that's it, just 'you're awesome.' I can't say, however, I'm awesome next to the superb, all-world talent that survived this long. I wouldn't say I was a turtle running with hares or anything, but over and over again I was impressed by the remarkable, technical minds there (I'm smart enough to admire greatness; participation is a different story). And the products we made; innovative, cutting-edge, and really damn complex, frankly. (This is starting to sound like my resume.) My layoff wasn't without warning, thankfully; it happens every year; we've been a profitless, shrinking company for too long. A news piece reported our headcount is 95% reduced from four years ago, tens of thousands down to a few hundred. BUT! But... it's an awesome company, with a long and lustrous history, and I truly believe it'll march on, recover, stabilize, kick ass. The company has hemorrhaged talent to companies like Apple, Google, Facebook, Amazon, Snapchat – the list is long – but I'm telling you: You haven't heard the last of these people. It's a special group, a special company.

In life's rough patches, in challenging, uncertain times, it's pretty fucking great to have kids. I'll say that. Children are an awesome thing for purpose. For lots of other things too. Energy, love, inspiration. I believe I'd find all that without M 'n' m, but I have them – Thank you, God, for my children; the same prayer I say every day – so here we are. I'm excited to move forward.

This might be the first post I just fire off without much editing, e.g. the voice, as I reread what I've scribbled, that says okay, make this funny or witty or SOMETHING, and crisp, this sentence is too wordy, actually, shit, they're ALL too wordy, what's wrong with you, too much caffeine? And don't use the F-word; it's not in your nature to use it anyway; write better and you don't need the 'emphasis,' and you used 'awesome' 17 times, that's the best adjective you can come up with? Blah blah, criticism, edit, blah blah. As always, thanks for reading. I look forward to seeing the spike in readership when I post to Facebook especially. And when you mention, "I enjoy your blog," etc. Thank you. I really appreciate it.